i have mastered very few things in my life, but i think i got this one nailed.
LUST - had lunch with CrushBoy yesterday. i have a 'thing' for guys and forearms. seriously, nice hands and defined forearms make me nuts. CrushBoy has awesome forearms. it was all i could do not to lick him from elbow to wrist. you usually only see those kinds of arms on guitar players or chronic masturbators. so there i am at lunch, trying to be all witty and charming and shit and all the while i am thinking, "do you realize you could SO have me? DO YOU?" (he doesn't)
SLOTH - today is saturday and i have no intention of getting out of my pajamas or even leaving the bedroom for that matter. just try and make me, bitch. it ain't gonna happen.
GLUTTONY - ever seen me demolish a pizza in one sitting? it ain't pretty. it's rated R for scenes of extreme violence and some sexual content (the orgasmic noises i make when dipping the crust into ranch dressing.)
ANGER - yesterday, some jackass in front of me wanted to turn right. at least, that's what i thought he wanted. he apparently, just wanted to sit in traffic for five fucking minutes and wait for the second coming of christ. so i laid on my horn and said horrible things about his mother and the questionable size of his penis.
ENVY - i saw some chick carrying the CUTEST kate spade bag the other day. i stalked her through Target, devising ways to knock her down and steal the purse. it would be the weirdest mugging in history. i would hit her over the head with a 2 liter bottle of sprite, grab the purse, but return the wallet. because i didn't want her money, just the actual purse. i am so going to end up on Yahoo! News of the Weird one of these days. it's just a matter of time, really.
GREED - i see this as kind of a culmination of all the others. i WANT to lock CrushBoy in a room and do things to him that would make his mother cry. i WANT to sit in bed all day and watch "The Wire Season 2" on DVD. i WANT a large pizza with pineapple and bell peppers and some of those awesome potato jalepeno fried things Pizza Hut has been advertising. i WANT to maim and kill any driver that pisses me off. i WANT another kate spade bag.
i bet my family is glad they spent tens of thousands of dollars sending me to catholic schools all those years.