Thursday, April 21, 2005

This Is Me Hating You

today as i was walking back to work from my lunch break i saw this tall, beautiful, THIN woman walking towards me.

as usual, my first thought was, "i hate her." not a very feminist statement to be sure, but i can't help it. i have been engaged in horrific battle with my ever expanding ass for many years. right now, my ass is winning.

it 's just not fair. why me? why can't i have a functioning metabolism? i'm a good person, don't i deserve at least that much?

that's it! she must not be a nice person. i bet she kicks puppies. look at those pointy toed black boots. what's the point of such pointy shoes if not to kick puppies? i bet her drivers license even says Lizzie Borden VonPuppyKicker.

and i bet when she goes to visit her grandmother, she hides granny's things and makes her think she is going senile. just for laughs.

and i bet she steals babies from distracted mothers when she goes to the mall. and then she sells the babies to a baby eating demon. just like on that episode of 'buffy the vampire slayer.'

and last time she went to disneyland, this little boy slipped and fell right in front of her, and instead of helping him up, she just looked at him and laughed so hard she almost peed her pants. oh wait, that was me. ok, but you didn't see it. it was really funny.

but i bet she knows where osama is hiding and she's just not telling. and that's WAY worse than laughing at a little boy landing on his ass two feet in front of you.

yeah, she's a horrible person. i can just tell.

but the bitch is still a size four.