Monday, May 16, 2005

All Those Years Spent Perfecting My Blow Job Technique Were A Big Waste of Time

i have fucking HAD IT with men. they are impossible, disgusting, frustrating creatures and i don't want anything to do with them anymore. i am going to look into this lesbian business. it has to be better, right? because if a woman is being moody and inscrutable, then i can just chalk it up to PMS. and i will know that it will pass within a few days.

CrushBoy is being A MAN. scratch that, he is being A BOY. i sucked it up and actually kind of asked him out. in a casual, friendly sort of way. i didn't ask him on a "date" but i did ask him to go to a concert with me this coming saturday. do you think i have gotten a straight answer from him yet? DO YOU? no, i have not. now, granted, his band is playing a show that day and the schedule is not set in stone yet, but really, how fucking hard is it to get the info and actually *gasp* make definite plans?

so, i am thinking gay is the way to go. no more of this bullshit. and hey, i watch the L Word. that one that plays shane, she's kind of hot. see, i'm already half way there. plus, those chicks wear some pretty awesome clothes. i'm down with that. and don't even get me started on the cute shoes. and if i find a girlfriend that wears the same size as me, we could even share clothes. i think i can really do this. especially when you consider the cute shoes.

what does a man have to offer that i can't get from a woman? scintillating conversation? self esteem boosts? comfort? companionship? hell, i already get that from my girls. after all, men are just bigger, hairer, stupider versions of women.

the sex? well, what woman doesn't like oral sex best of all? and really, anyone can do that. and i am thinking a woman can do it even better. then there is the added bonus of not having some dude's five o'clock shadow digging into my nether regions. certain parts of the body were NEVER meant to get beard burned and my naughty bits are at the top of that list. i will just have to stay away from the bull dykes with facial hair. besides, look at how much money i spend at sephora. i think i am one of those "lipstick lesbians." ok, this is sounding better and better.

i will never again have to listen to some neanderthal drone on and on about sports and batting averages and field goals. my new hot girlfriend and i will curl up in bed on a sunday morning and watch charlie rose, not professional golf. we could even cancel ESPN from the cable package because we WILL NEVER EVER WATCH IT. oh, that's a beautiful sentence. it's like poetry to me.

and i think those little rainbow bumper stickers are really kind of cute. i would not mind having one on my car. it would look really pretty against the silver paint. but i draw the line at referring to women as womyn. what the fuck is that about? get a life, people.

of course, you do realize that all of this will be a distant memory the second john mayer comes knocking at my door? i would totally change back for him. he is so destined to be my first husband. he just doesn't know it yet. it's just the rest of the penis toting population that needs to stay the hell away from me.