ok, let me start this by saying that all those recent california freeway shootings HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH ME. i swear. that being said, we have already established that i am a menace behind the wheel. however, the other day i encountered some chick that was way worse off than me. and that's saying something.
i was driving home on the freeway and going with the flow of traffic. it was a good day on the road, so i was able to go 60mph, which in itself is unusual. all my out of state friends are so scared to drive in los angeles, like they think it's the damn autobahn or something. when in actuality, most days you are lucky to be able to go 20mph on the freeway. so, there i am, zipping along and the girl behind me starts laying on her horn. i look in my rearview mirror, and this skank is flipping me off and screaming at me to speed up. um, listen Slutty McHoBag, i can't go any faster because there are cars in front of me and if i do go any faster the 101 freeway is going to look like Bumper Car USA.
so, then she changes lanes and i can just totally tell that she is going to try to speed up and pass me. well, that pissed me off. just a little. so i speed up just enough to insure that she can't get in front of me. then she realizes that the lane she is in is an exit only lane. so, she has to get back behind me. oh, yeah, i giggled at that one.
please note that all the while, she is still telling me i'm number one and screaming obscenities at me.
so, then she changes lanes to the other side and manages to get in front of me. still screaming at me. i could see her looking at me in her rearview and her K-Fed Wannabe boyfriend kept turning around in the passenger seat to flip me off, too. so, for the next 2 miles i just kept mouthing the word "WHORE" at her. oh yeah, they both saw me. at this point i had gotten a fairly good look at both of them, and it was just tragic. he was a scrawny white boy wannabe thug. shirtless and peroxided hair. please explain to me how that is supposed to be sexy. on second thought, don't. she was the kind of thin you only find in crack houses.
i go to get off at my exit and she is still in front of me and she is getting off at the same exit. that's when her crystal meth damaged heart starts to beat a little faster, because now it looks like i am following her. dumb slut. then i pulled out my cell phone and pretended like i was making a call. she thinks i am calling the cops, when in fact i hadn't even turned the damn thing on. the last thing this bitch wants is to get pulled over because i can guaran-damn-tee you there was at the very least 2 pounds of stems and seeds in her car. and he looked like he probably had a warrant or two out on him. not for anything glamorous like murder or armed robbery, probably just some unpaid jaywalking tickets. hey, if his girlfriend was driving his sorry ass around, i'm thinking he is a professional pedestrian.
the moron pulls into to the first gas station and i feign like i am going to pull in there, too. this had gone much farther than her little pea brain had ever anticipated and i think at that point, she might have peed her pants a little. i look at them, give them both the finger and keep driving. and i laughed the whole way home.
and kiddies, that is why drugs are bad.