Friday, May 06, 2005

Drunk With The Power Of It All

when i become president of the world, the following offenses will be punishable by death. a long, slow painful death involving electricity, dull knives and a madonna movie marathon.

*neglect to use turn signals - what, are some cars really not equipped with this basic function? must be an optional feature. who knew?

*coming into a movie theater 90 seconds before the show starts, getting pissed off that the seats you want are occupied, and asking me to change seats so you can sit where you want - this has happened more times than i can count, and trust me, it's never pretty. how fucking self centered ARE YOU? i got there early, you didn't. sucks to be you. now, go sit in the front row where you belong and if i am feeling particularly generous, i will toss you an advil for your sore neck.

*being seemingly oblivious to the fact that your child is screaming and tearing up the restaurant while i am trying to enjoy my meal - oh, oh, oh, oh, oh this one makes me especially homicidal. when this happens, i will very loudly and pointedly exclaim, "you know, there are reasons some animals eat their young." are these morons fucking deaf and blind? well, we know they are dumb. so glad they reproduced their defective genes, ensuring stupidity for generations to come.

*cashiers who hand back change incorrectly - yes, there is a correct way to do this. you hand over the coin change FIRST, then the bills. DO NOT hand me the bills with the coins piled precariously on top and DO NOT EVER hand me a wad of bills with my coins folded into the middle. why not just throw my coins all over the floor and save me trouble of dropping them?

*licking your fingers to wet them so that you can ruffle thru some papers and then handing me the papers - just lick my face while you are at it, asshole. it's something that most people only do once around me. i think me vomiting directly onto their shoes is a fairly good deterrent. how can you not know how completely disgusting that is? how?

*showing any kind of "state pride" - yes, you will be executed for thinking that some part of your identity is based on an accident of geography. and if your car sports a bumper sticker that says "florida girls kick ass" or "proud to be hawaiian" well then i reserve the right to ram my car into yours. this disease seems especially prevalent among texans. "woo hoo, i hail from the state with the most executions of the mentally ill and the largest number of racially motivated hate crimes! yee hah, motherfucker!"

*humming in the elevator - this ain't american idol, i ain't paula abdul, but i will channel simon just long enough to tell you that you suck. and if you actually start singing, you are obviously too stupid to live and my bashing your head against the doors would only be considered a mercy killing.

*professional victims and attention whores - you will be shot on sight.

*making a left turn out of a parking lot when there is no traffic light - if i have sit behind you for 7 minutes because you are too lazy to drive around the block, there will be consequences. dire consequences. ever seen "marathon man?" i'm just saying.

*standing so close behind me in line at the grocery store so that i can feel your breath on my neck - crawling up my ass does not make the line move faster. trust me, this is a proven fact. but it will guarantee that i will "accidentally" hit you with the 25 pound bag of dog food "that i just lost control of." oops. personal space, people. respect it.

*lecturing me on the health hazards of smoking - really? it's BAD for me? damn! and all this time i thought i was sucking down a vitamin B supplement! my standard reply to this is, "yeah, well it keeps me off the heroin." people never know if i am joking or not. their executions will be EXTRA painful if they lecture me while tossing a big mac down their gullet.

*walking .000001 MPH down the center aisle of a store - don't make me push you to floor and gleefully hop over you. it hurts my back.

i swear i don't have anger management issues. i swear.