Thursday, May 12, 2005

I Want Shoes, Not Babies

i decided many years ago that marriage and family was not for me. now, i am not totally opposed to marriage, but i ain't looking for it, either. if it happens, it happens. whatever. but babies, well that i AM opposed to. i don't want them and never have. i think if you are going to have a baby, you should want it more than anything in the whole wide world. i, on the other hand, want the ebola virus about as much as i want kids.

i am really lucky in that my mom does not pressure me at all for grandkids. my best friend has 3 little girls and mom gets all her "grandma" time with them. mom's cool that way.

it's the rest of the fucking world that needs to get off my back. i KNOW i am not the only woman that feels this way, but give me a damned break already.

here are some of the more idiotic things i have been told.

1.) "if you don't have babies, you will never be a REAL woman." - well, damn, color me ignorant. i thought my XX chromosomes pretty much took care of that, but what the hell do i know?

2.) "who will take care of you in your old age?" - seriously, is that a valid reason to procreate? and if so, why do people have more than one kid? "well, we had roger just in case billy turns out to be a total loser and can't make enough money to supplement our social security benefits."

3.) "oh, you'll change your mind." - um, no. if i told people that i didn't want to be a professional female mud wrestler, would they tell me, "oh, you'll change your mind." both options are equally appealing to me. my manicurist is especially fond of spouting off that bit of idiocy. if she didn't do such a damn good job on my nails, i would dump her scrawny ass in a heartbeat.

4.) "but what if your husband wants kids?" - well, then, i guess he's shit out of luck, isn't he? unless, he is willing to get pregnant and give birth and all i have to do is sit around, drink beer and scratch myself. i could go for that.

NOTHING about pregnancy, childbirth or parenting appeals to me. when my friends get pregnant, they always want me to touch their distended bellies and feel the baby kick. i'm sorry, but that shit only belongs in horror movies. the thought of a human being growing inside of me totally grosses me out. totally.

and breast feeding? what kind of sick joke is that? i cannot wrap my head around the concept of my body making food. MAKING FOOD. i would feel like the damn frosty machine at wendy's. (oh, and by the way, all this weekend, frosty's are free at wendy's. they are trying to offset all that negative "finger in the chili" PR. i personally don't give a good god damn why they are doing it, i just want my free frosty, dammit. that is my PSA for the day.)

and as far as parenting goes, well, i just know that i am not cut out for that bit of business. i can barely take care of my dog most days. when he pisses me off, i can just lock him out in the backyard and chain him to a tree. apparently, it's illegal to do that with kids.

and i have no patience for crying babies. i would so be the mom on the news that you see getting arrested for putting vodka in her baby's bottle. "well, i thought it would help him sleep. it works for me." and then there would be some hideous mugshot of me on the 11 0'clock news. my hair all matted, lipstick smeared and a big ol' cold core on my bottom lip. i'm too vain for that.

and rumor has it that kids cost money. sorry, i like shoes and purses way too much. self sacrifice has never been my strong suit. i would make the kid wear ratty, torn clothes because "mommy needs a new pair of kate spade shoes."

so, i've got this uterus laying around if anyone wants to buy it. brand new, never been used. i only accept Paypal payments, though.