Sunday, May 15, 2005

In Case You Didn't Already Know I'm Crazy

sometimes my own thought process scares me. here is a sampling of some of the more insane things to flit thru my head recently. enter at your own risk. pregnant women, people with pacemakers and heart conditions should turn around and go get in line for the merry go round, because this is going to be a bumpy ride.

*every year, i go get my pap like a good little girl. and every freaking year, i have the exact same thought. "this is how i am going to die. i just know it. this is los angeles. the BIG earthquake is going to hit while i am the middle of my exam. the firemen will come and lift the rubble from my lifeless body. and there i will be, naked from the waist down, with a goddamned speculum inside of me. rigor mortis will have set in and that's how they are going to have to bury me. legs up in the air. i wonder if they even make coffins to accommodate that." and the doc wonders why i can't relax during the exam.

*recently i had a boobie scare. i found a lump. now let me tell you, that's a scary fucking moment. i indulged myself in 10 minutes of sheer terror, then got my shit together and made a doctor's appointment for the next day. i did some online research and talked to some friends. all signs pointed to the fact that it would probably be nothing more than a cyst. logically, i knew this. but part of me was still convinced that my smoking had finally caught up with me and my imaginary lung tumor was now so big that it had pushed it's way thru my chest cavity and into my boobie. i probably should have paid more attention in biology class.
p.s. it was just a cyst. just a run of the mill, fluid filled sac. i now refer to it as my mini implant.

*i worked for DemonBitch for 9 years. she was a monster masquerading as a fashion designer. i worked my ass off for that whore and she rewarded me by firing me merely because i dared to suggest that her 25 year old dipshit boyfriend DID NOT know how to run her business. and then the bitch tried to screw me out of collecting unemployment. yeah, i'm still pretty fucking bitter. it's been over 2 years since she fired me, and i STILL have dreams where i go back to work for her. what the hell is wrong with me that some part of my brain thinks that would be OK??? jesus christ, i guess it's a good thing i never got into an abusive realtionship with a man, because apparently, I WOULD GO BACK FOR MORE.

*some part of me still really believes that magic fairies are going to come and clean my house for me. they haven't got here yet, but i'm hopeful. oh, and when they get here, they are going to balance my checkbook, too. i'm sure of it.

*i am POSITIVE i am destined to win the lottery. and every week that i don't win, i am truly a little disappointed. i really am. but, i just know it will happen soon. and i even have everything planned out. i will be "anonymous winner from los angeles." can't risk my asshole father reappearing out of left field to try and claim some of MY winnings. and i really, really, really deserve to win. because i would take care of the rest of my family and friends and donate loads to charity. i would be such a good lotto winner.

i really need to be medicated.