Thursday, May 19, 2005

Nepotism Is Alive and Well

when you watch as much tv as i do, it only stands to reason that you are going to see a lot of commercials. the local business ones are my favorites. daddy's little girl extoling the virtues of a double wide freezer. trophy wife #3 strolling thru the family jewelry store purring "our diamonds are hand mined by blind, arthritic trolls in belguim. you won't find this quality at the mall."

my personal favorite is for a local carpet store. daddy's pudgy little 35 year old princess is star of all of them. they have been running for about 7 years now, and a new comes out every six months. first of all, the bitch still reads the cue cards in the most annoying, halting voice i have ever had the displeasure of listening to. she is such a dim bulb, you can almost hear her thinking.

spoken aloud -"our carpets are guaranteed to last 12 years."

(she stops talking because she is incapable of thinking and speaking at the same time. this is her internal dialogue - 'ok, stop at aisle 3, turn left heel and pivot.')

"we have a wide selction to choose from."

('face camera. lift hand. sweep hand over rolls of carpet just like the price is right girls do for the showcase showdown. when daddy comes into my room at night and touches my dirty parts, he says i am much prettier than them. then he tells me mommy is frigid and men have needs.')

"and we are open sundays."


compound her supreme lack of functioning brain cells with the fact that she thinks her size 16 ass looks good in a mini skirt, and you have got the makings of some DAMN FINE television, my friend. it's been 7 years and she STILL hasn't figured out that her thighs look like individual sides of beef.

another great local one is for an appliance store. i have yet to figure out why the sight of the owner dressed in a pink bunny suit is supposed to make me want to buy a washer/dryer. did this asshole lose a bet or something?

then there's the one that makes me start throwing shoes at the tv screen. it's for a place that sells tire rims. ok, first off, i do not understand the fascination with tire rims. isn't that just basically jewelry for you car? yeah, that's manly. the entire commercial is meth whores in bikinis straddling the rims and making pouty faces. are men really SO stupid that when their dick gets hard, their first impulse is to buy auto accessories? ok, maybe they are. let's move on.

then there is the crown jewel of stupidity. one of those check cashing/high interest loan type places. the tag line is "don't get caught with your pants down." meaning, i guess, if you need quick cash, come here and for only 57% interest, we will front you $200 bucks to pay your dealer before he breaks both your kness and anally rapes your ferret. anyway, the commercial shows some fat dude whose pants fall down. underneath the pants he is wearing a woman's teddy. i ONLY wish i were making this up. i have to guess that the guy killed himself shortly after taping that commercial, rather than face the nonstop ass beatings he would get if he ever dared to show his face in public again.

hey, my cousin has his own security company! do you think we would let me dress up like rainbow brite and do a commercial for him? i deserve my time in the spotlight too, dammit!