Tuesday, May 10, 2005

Please Keep Your Boobies Covered At All Times

in order to counterbalance my atrocious eating habits, i have to go to the gym. it's the only thing that keeps me from becoming the 400 pound woman of los angeles. i don't like it, but i do it. no, wait, that's an understatement. actually, i fucking hate it. i hate every goddamned minute of it. it's torture. why can't knitting burn calories? because then i would be totally in shape. but, alas, it doesn't, so i drag my fat ass to the gym a few times a week and suffer all the indignities that go along with that.

the one teeny tiny bright shining light in the whole experience is the people watching. oh lord, the crazy motherfuckers at the gym ALMOST make it worth it. exercise kills brain cells. it must. because these fools are operating at a negative IQ level.

now, what you need to understand about me is that i am NOT a "naked person." when people ask me if i walk around my house naked, i look at them as if they just asked me if i enjoy sticking hot fireplace pokers up my ass. sideways. seriously, i would shower in my bathing suit if i thought i could. and that's just at home. so, you can just imagine the lengths i go to in the locker room. take my top off and put my tshirt on. make sure tshirt is covering my ass at all times. then, and only then, do i take off my jeans and jack rabbit quick hop into my workout pants.

after all that, i go the washroom and wash my hands and face. the showers are right off the washroom area. so, a few weeks ago, i make my way towards the sinks and this woman comes BARRELLING out of the showers and damn near plows me down. she is butt nekkid. all i see coming at me is tits. oh wait, i stand corrected, she was not completely naked. she had a towel on her head. because, yeah, that's what we want to keep covered. our hair.

she is one of those girls that spends 99% of her time in the locker room totally naked. walk out of the shower, yup, she's naked. stand at the mirror blow drying her hair, yup, she's naked. sit on the bench and talk on the cell phone, yup, she's naked. i don't want to see myself naked, let alone half the population of encino. and dear god help me, but when they bend over, i pray for sudden blindness.

then there are the rest of the freaks. i once saw a girl in the washroom and she was putting on a full face of makeup. so, stupidly, i just assumed that she had finished her workout and was getting ready to leave. imagine my surprise when i saw her on the cross trainer 20 minutes later. this nut job put on make up before her workout. still trying to wrap my head around that bit of lunacy. maybe it's just me, but if i talk fast, i break a sweat. so when i am actually working out, i am sweating like a whore in a church. that's not the time i want to be worrying if my second coat of mascara is clumping.

then there is the girl that is on her cell phone the ENTIRE time she is on the stairmaster. if one of my friends called me and said "oh, i'm at the gym and just thought i would call you while working my calves." i would truly have to rethink the friendship. just a warning to all my friends that read this. that's a deal breaker.

i am an equal opportunity hater, so let's talk about the men. now, i don't know if the naked stuff applies in the locker room (and i don't want to know. i got to tell you, naked men are not pretty. they just aren't. so, you can cancel that playgirl subscription you were thinking of getting me for my birthday.) but men are just as idiotic as the women.

fellas, if you are sweating off approximately 38 gallons of fluid and it is dripping all over the treadmill you are on, please WIPE THE FUCKING MACHINE DOWN WHEN YOU ARE DONE. every time i unknowingly hop on a machine and grasp those soaking wet handle bars, well, i die a little inside.

and spandex bike shorts, not allowed. nope, under no circumstances is the sight of your package encased in black and grey striped lycra acceptable. ever. no, never. i repeat, never.

and oh, let's not forget the bodybuilders. gents, i know we all look to celebrities for fashion tips, but i got to tell you, hulk hogan should not be considered your fasion role model. headbands look good on no one. just consider that a little tip from me to you. because i care.

so, for the low, low price of $40 a month, i get to watch these people that make my family look sane. i would work out at home and save the money, but then i would be the craziest one in the room and that's not good for my self esteem issues. besides, the dog barks like crazy if i try to exercise in the living room. i think the sight of my jiggly thighs flying all over the place scares him.