Sunday, May 08, 2005

So, My Granny Was Talking to Me About Sex.....

all my life, my family has done the "traditional" holiday celebrations. for xmas, father's day, easter, etc. we would cook a big meal, gather at granny's and eat ourselves sick. god bless america. well, these last few years, my granny has basically said, "fuck it. i am sick of cooking." ok, well, she didn't say "fuck it" but the sentiment is the same. so, now we go to the casino instead. granny is a big time gambler, and it makes her happy, so why the hell not?

mom and i enjoy it, also. we have fun and this way neither of us has to deal with our crazy ass brothers. her brother, my uncle, is actually a certified nut job and my dumbass brother is, well, just a dumbass. they don't come on these excursions with us, so it's a win win situation.

my granny LOOOOOOOVES to gamble. at the end of the night, it's always a struggle to get her out of the casino. i think she hides so we can't find her. start hinting that it is time to go and she becomes as scarce as the weapons of mass destruction. yup, granny loves the slots.

she also loves to tell all her favorite urban gambling legends. "this one time, i met this guy, and he only put 75 cents in a slot and he won 48 bajillion dollars." or, "i was talking to this woman earlier, and she told me that one time in vegas, she was down to her last dollar and she put it in a quarter machine and she won a brand new car." actually, some of these are true. last month, one of granny's friends actually DID win a car at a casino. oh, we'll be hearing THAT story for the next 5 years, trust me.

so, yesterday, in honor of mother's day, we traipse off to the casinos in palm springs. naturally, the talk turns to gambling. granny is telling some story about what happened at last week's bingo game. and mentions this man that her friend thinks has a crush on my granny. now, that's disturbing enough. but then, my granny tells me why she can't stand this man. oh god, i need a minute. this is so painful........... ok, she tells me that when the bingo numbers are called, sometimes people make funny comments about the numbers. like if the bingo caller, yells "B6" people make jokes about vitamin B6. bingo humor, who knew?

when the caller announces "O69", this fella makes an "ooh la la" comment. and that's why granny doesn't like him. because he makes these nasty jokes. and she was going on and on about this. (granny's a talker) MY GRANNY WAS TALKING TO ME ABOUT 69!!! can you imagine how disturbing that is? CAN YOU??? in case you are not understanding or are not properly horrified, my 75 year old GRANNY was talking about 69!! AND SHE KNEW WHAT IT WAS! i think i have post traumatic stress disorder now.

now you know why i drink so much.