Monday, May 02, 2005

We Are Sorry, But You Are Not Atkins Approved

i think tourist season has come early to los angeles this year. i have seen more fat people this last week than i have all year. if your BMI is over 12, you are not allowed to live within the city limits. the only reason they let my fat ass stay is that i was born here. it's a loophole. but if i start spilling out of my size 14 jeans, i get a letter of Probationary Status from the mayor.

fat people are allowed to VISIT, but don't even think about trying to STAY here, porky. at the airport they get their one week temporary visa and a copy of "the south beach diet." and just to shame them, their luggage is taken away and they are given clothes 3 sizes too small. that must be it, because i cannot imagine anyone VOLUNTARILY wearing some of the outfits i have seen recently.

take for example, the girl i saw yesterday. all of five feet tall and she was as wide as she was tall. low rise pink sweat pants (do i even have to mention the extreme cameltoe?) and a midriff top. she was devouring an ice cream cone. i will excuse you for a moment if you need to go puke...........are you back now? good.

hey, where did she even GET that ice cream cone? those aren't allowed here! there is a reason there is not a Sonic within 90 miles of here. don't think for a minute that our fine city would give a zoning permit to a place that sells tater tots. i have to have my fried carbs smuggled in from san bernadino. sshhhh! don't tell.

then there was the size 20 chick. skin tight white capris and a pink tube top. I.AM.NOT.MAKING.THIS.UP. even scarier is the fact that she had no panty lines. can't even let my mind go there. that's how people end up under the bed in the fetal position, rocking back and forth, and trying to blind themselves with a squeeze bottle of drano.

and why are white capris and pink tube tops even made in a size 20? it's like when i look at the frederick's of hollywood catalog and see "also available in 3X!" seriously, a size 3X g-string? isn't that just basically a rope? someone hand me the drano, please.

if i didn't love los angeles so much, i would totally move to the midwest. there i am considered anorexic. it could have something to do with the fact that every fucking restaurant is a fucking buffet. seriously, even the KFC. that one freaked me out a little.

i might really hate the summer, but at least it's the only time of the year i am not the fattest person in los angeles. now excuse me, but there is fudge covered graham cracker in the kitchen and it's calling my name.