Tuesday, June 07, 2005

I'm Confiscating Your Ovaries, So Hand 'Em Over, Butt Nugget

ok, so we know i am not a kid friendly person. i don't like 99% of the snot nosed little ankle biters and i like their parents even less. but, i can tolerate some kids. well behaved kids, specifically. my best friend and his wife have 3 fabulous daughters who are a joy to be around. they know how to behave in public, but not in that scary, overly disciplined "daddy's gonna beat me if i spill punch on my new dress" kind of way. and i am fully aware of the fact that the parent's are totally to blame when i see out of control demon spawn running thru the aisles of Target, screaming at the top of their lungs. so, blame the parents i shall. gladly.

i was once at a little cafe and was TRYING to enjoy my meal. i was sitting outside, happily munching away on my burger and reading a good book. my perfect kind of afternoon. well, it was perfect until the family that scares clive barker sat down at the table next to mine. mom, dad and two kids. the boy spawn was about 4 years old and his name was dakota. how do i know his name? keep reading.

dakota spends the majority of the meal throwing utensils, food and condiments all over the place. every time he did this, his idiot mother would say, in a voice barely above a whisper, "dakota, stop that, please." PLEASE? you don't ASK your 4 year old to behave, you tell him he better behave before you throw away EVERY SINGLE power ranger in his collection! so, this continues for about 20 minutes. then, i think the mom has finally grown a pair, because she tells him, "dakota, if you don't stop that right now, we are not going to go get ice cream." (i can't even add an exclamation point to the end of that sentence because her voice was incapable of being strong and authoratative.) but, i thought she was finally going to take charge here.

does the threat of no rocky road strike fear into little dakota's heart? no, it does not. he continues lobbing his fork across the table. and she actually carried thru with her threat and told him there would be no ice cream. dakota's bottom lip trembled, and tears filled his eyes. and then one fat, shiny tear slowly rolled down his cheek, glistening in the sun. oh, the award for Best Crying Toddler definitely goes to dakota for this one. take a bow, dakota, TAKE A BOW!

mom spots the tear. and this is where my head IMPLODED! she scoops him up in her loving arms and tells him, "oh, don't cry, honey. we'll still go get ice cream. don't cry." let's see, what has dakota learned today? there are NO consequences for my actions! yippe! i don't know about you, but i pity the girl that marries him in 20 years. Mrs. Dakota is going to be one these wives that starts nipping from the sherry bottle before lunchtime.

then there are the parents that i have to physically stop myself from smacking the shit out of. i am talking about the parents that feed their kids nothing but CRAP. these kid's poor bodies are still trying to develop strong bones and healthy teeth. well, not with Cap'n Idiot for a mom they aren't. i will be the first to admit that i am a fast food junkie. but, i am also an adult and these are my choices. i want to put junk in my body, well, it's my body. and besides, i'm 33 years old, it's not like i am expecting a growth spurt anytime soon. bring on the doritos!

every morning, i hit the drive thru at del taco for my bean burrito and diet coke. and it is almost guranteed that at least three times a week, i will see a car in the drive thru full of kids and mom is handing bags of food back to them. this is their breakfast? no eight year old needs macho nachos at 7am. i am no dr. spock, but even i can see that processed foodstuff are maybe not the healthiest choice for a growing lad. duh.

although, go to the food court at any mall, and you will see behavior ten times worse. (i am talking about the parent's behavior, now) i once saw a six year old there macking down on pizza, fries and a slurpee. that was lunch. hhhmmm, why is little madeline 50 pounds overweight? it's a mystery!

and if you then try to sue mcdonald's because THEY made your kid fat, be prepared for me to come to your house and beat you with a hot mop. ronald mcdonald never held a gun to my head and made me snarf down a big mac. well, there was that one time the hamburgler yelled at me, but that's a story for another day.

these dipshit parents are so afraid of being the bad guy, that won't dare say "no" to their kids. and then, after 18 years, they unleash these dysfunctional demons out into the dating pool. and my friends wonder why they can't meet any decent guys who aren't complete selfish bastards. yup, that's a puzzler.