Sunday, June 19, 2005

Oh, I Didn't Realize You Don't Own A Mirror. How Sad for You.

i can't believe i really have to spell this out for you people, but i have witnessed some especially heinous crimes of fashion recently, so i feel honor bound to educate.

*it is never appropriate to wear skin tight beige linen pants with black underwear. and if your black panties are so tight that they segment your ass and you appear to have 4 butt cheeks, i will be forced to shoot you with a poison blow dart and drag your barely breathing self to victoria's secret where i will show you the magic that is known as the nude thong. the nude thong is your friend.

*now, let's say you actually get it right and wear the thong. ok, 2 points for effort. but if your pants are STILL so tight that i can see the outline of your thong, well, that hurts my heart. there is no shame in buying pants that actually fit. look into it. you won't be sorry.

*one of my current favorite shows is "family business" on showtime. i do so love trainwreck tv. the "star" of this show is adam glaser. adam, you are a porn king and probably make 87 bajillion dollars a year. why do you continue to wear sleeveless flannel shirts circa 1992? and the hair, oh the hair. adam, adam, adam. long, naturally curly, greying hair on a grown man? well, if people didn't know you were in porn before, one look at that your white boy jheri curl tells them all they need to know.

*capris and cankles. there is nothing wrong with having cankles. it's a disability like any other. but wearing capris is akin to shining a klieg light on them and wearing a sandwich board that says, "hi. my calves are so fat they have swallowed my ankles." and wearing heels does not diminsh them. it doesn't. it just makes you look like a hippo on stilts.

*velour sweatsuits a la juicy couture. they were ugly five years ago and they are ugly now. they flatter no one. burn it. please. and if you don't, i will. and i will probably do it while you are still wearing it. so save yourself the first degree burns and get rid of the ugly mofo.

*spray painted on jeans. wearing clothes 2 sizes too small DOES NOT make you look 2 sizes smaller. it just makes you look like a sausage link that can't take a deep breath. it pains me to look at you.

*fellas, satin shirts only belong on guys named guido with questionable family connections. and when the light catches your shirt at just the right angle, the glare is blinding. and the buttons on your shirts are not decorative. they serve a function. please keep your chest hair under wraps. it grosses me out.

*billy ray bob, your metallica tshirt came with sleeves. i know it did. why do you feel it necessary to cut them off and expose you arms and pits to the world? i don't even have to look up to know you are sporting a mullet. yes, you are that predictable. now hop into your camaro and zip on down to the swap meet and get a new shirt. one with sleeves.

and this has been my good deed for the day. carry on.