Thursday, July 07, 2005

I Am Just A Victim of Genetics

my obssession with the lovely Mr. John Mayer is really not too surprising. i have loads of celebrity crushes, but what is surprising is that John Mayer appears to be straight and somewhat masculine. see, that's kind of a new one for me. most of my celeb heart throbs tend to be a little on the, shall we say, girly side. i am not talking about my girl crushes, i am talking about the men.

my longest, all time favorite, number one, forever and ever crush is on

Example

oh, my beloved Nick Rhodes. i have been head over heels for this guy for well over 20 years now. i can distinctly remember the first time i saw him. it's like it was yesterday. "Planet Earth" was their first big single. i was watching mtv and that video came on and my heart just STOPPED. i was IN LOVE. and i still am. he could have a horribly disfiguring battery acid accident and i would STILL jump on him and ride him until he cracked a rib.

my preteen diaries were filled with pages and pages professing my undying love him and i just KNEW we would be together one day. still hasn't happened, but if i don't have hope, then i have NOTHING.

i love every single thing about him. the makeup, the overly stylized hair, his slight frame. yup, love it all.

it gets worse. one of my more recent celeb crushes is a transvestite. yes, you read that correctly.

Example

oh, Eddie Izzard melts my butter. yes, the guy in the skirt puts me in a naughty frame of mind. he's hotter than a woodchuck''s ass in august. and couple that with the fact that he is freaking brilliant, well, let's just say he wouldn't even have to buy me dinner first.

my taste in men might seem a little disturbing. hell, it disturbs me sometimes. i don't know what it is about boys in makeup, but it works for me. but if we look a little deeper, we will see that, really, i am genetically preprogrammed to like the girly boys.

take it back one generation. who is my mom's all time crush? which beefcake makes her heart pitter patter?

Example

the legendary, and openly gay Richard Chamberlin. mom knows he's a member of the queer boy nation, and she always has. she doesn't care. she still wants him. she wants him BAD. you know what the highlight of the 1980's was for her? it wasn't my graduation from a very prestigious private school, or her son graduating, or her meteoric career rise. nope, it was "The Thorn Birds." five sensuous nights of him as priest lusting after maggie. mom was like a giddy little school girl that week. she finally calmed down from that, then "Shogun" came along. she about died and went to heaven that week.

so, it would maybe seem that this maybe runs in the family. well, here's where we cement the deal. let's go back one more generation.

my granny's current celeb crush
Example

and yes, granny knows he is gay, and no, she doesn't care either. she thinks he's "cute." granny just loves Alan Cummings. i once called her to let her know that he was on a talk show that i was watching. she said, "thanks. what channel? ok, talk to you later." she hung up without even saying goodbye. i was stunned! usually it takes about 20 minutes to get my granny off the phone. i guess that makes him Granny Phone Kryptonite. but then she called me after the show was over to talk about how "cute" he was in the interview. he had talked about going commando underneath his kilt and the chafing that it caused, and she thought it was "cute." i think she might even have giggled at one point. as owen meany would say, "THAT GAVE ME THE SHIVERS."

find me a boy that shops at sephora more often than i do and that can walk in 3-inch heels better than i do, and i will be saying "I Do."