Wednesday, July 13, 2005

If I Could Have Castrated Him, I Would

i don't try to be a bitch, but sometimes my mouth acts faster than my brain. mom can attest to this. when it happens, she steps slowly away from me and looks around like, "i don't know that lunatic, never met her in my life. nope." but the fact that i look exactly like her usually tips people off. however, i can usually exercise some self control. i am not completely unevolved. i exhibited so much restraint today i should get a fucking medal.

i am sitting at panda express, eating my lunch, reading a book and minding my own business, like the good little girl i am. i generally go sit in the back corner so as not to be disturbed. i am happily chowing down on my yummy yummy orange chicken when 3 men come and sit at the table next to mine. i ignore them and continue eating.

they start talking. now, i wasn't trying to eavesdrop, but they weren't trying to be quiet, either. one man is bemoaning the fact that his wife put on "tons of weight" when she was pregnant.

"yeah dude, she used to weigh 127, but then she ballooned up to 160!!! she's so fucking fat!"

deep breaths, jelly, deep breaths. now, my instinct was to turn to him and say, "OH.MY.GOD. one hundred sixty pounds! jesus h. christ, have you considered gastric bypass surgery for her? will richard simmons have to come to your house and cut a wall down to pry her fat ass out of there? you poor, poor thing, you must have to wear a blindfold when you fuck her. you are a SAINT for not leaving her, a freaking SAINT!"

but i kept my mouth shut because this place is right near my office and lots of people from my work were there. they think i am nice. they do not need to know the truth.

so, i am sitting there, fuming, thinking, "who is this redneck asshole?" i was expecting some lowlife, nascar watching, beer swilling, joe ray bob type to be sitting there, scratching his ass while spouting this neanderthal bullshit. i slide my eyes over in his direction and found out i was WRONG. this dude had a shirt and tie and looked like joe average businessman. people, THEY WALK AMONG US. this jerkwad cut off his mullet, fixed his teeth and passes for normal. well, until he opens his mouth, anyway.

and may i just point out that this adonis was half bald and had a pot belly? yeah buddy, i am sure your "fat" wife loves looking at you naked, too. never mind the fact that she GREW A HUMAN BEING inside of her. oh, so sorry she had to put on a few pounds to nourish your demon spawn.

i contemplated grabbing my plastic knife and jabbing him in the nads with it. but i took the high road and calmly cleared my tray and walked out. i am maturing so fast, i might almost be mistaken for a reasonable adult. almost.