Sunday, July 03, 2005

Magenta Alert! We Are Missing One Queer Boy!

i'm not real proud of this, but i have never missed one episode of mtv's "the real world." nope, not one. i even managed to watch the whole dreadful paris season. yeah, THAT'S dedication, baby. that one was mindnumbingly dull. but, i watched. and now i am a little dumber for having done so, but a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do.

so, of course, i have been watching the new austin season. and it occured to me. where's the gay guy? we ALWAYS have at least one gay guy. hell, last season, we got two. and the two psycho sluts kissing in the hot tub in the first episode DO NOT COUNT. i HATE chicks that make out with each other just to get guys hot. i just wanted to hold their heads underwater until the kicking stopped.

the last few seasons have been a hedonistic fest of drinking and fucking and drinking and fucking and drinking and fucking. the girls are probably just submitting porn tapes in lieu of audition tapes. and the guys probably send in videos of themselves getting arrested for DUI's.

i miss the old seasons when the people were actually *gasp* interesting, thinking individuals. remember Julie from the first season? she was the dancer from alabama. it was so fascinating to watch her in "the big city" learning about new people and generally growing as person. the last little southern girl we had was Trishelle from the las vegas season. the only thing she learned about new people was whether or not they were circumsized. and every season since then, there has been at least one nasty little hobag in the house. who ARE these girls? my god, they spread their legs more often than a chinese acrobat.

in the confessionals, these girls will look right into the camera and declare, "i love sex. i can't go 3 days without getting laid. this year alone i have slept with 23 guys. yeah, it's been a slow year for me." do they have mothers? grandmothers? now, my granny doesn't watch a lot of mtv (that i know of, but you never know with her) but if i were on tv, i know she would tune in. she would have a STROKE if i said that on national tv. now, i can't speak for these other chicks, but i ain't trying to kill my granny.

and who are they putting out for? the guys of the last few seasons have mostly been alcoholic frat boys with rage issues. i wouldn't let any of those losers glimpse my panties, let alone sleep with them. eeeewwwww.

and where's this season's angry black chick? god help me, i never thought i would say this, but i actually miss Coral. these drunken sluts are too busy buying cases of monistat 7 to get angry about racial inequalities, real or imagined. but, i bet if you threatened to make g-strings illegal, these tramps would take to the streets in protest. NO THONGS, NO PEACE!

i guess the gays weren't promiscuous enough for mtv. which totally makes me laugh, because the christian coalition would LOVE to have you believe that gays are immoral, non stop fucking machines that do nothing more than spread disease. but every season, it's been the straight cast members who have been fucking like bunnies. take THAT jerry falwell!!

memo to mtv: bring back the mo.