Tuesday, July 26, 2005

My Eyes Are Up HERE, Buddy!

the other day i was standing on the corner, waiting for the light to change so i could cross the street. while i was there, a man came up to me, looked down and said, "nice pedicure." the comment didn't strike me as ll that odd because i get that A LOT. and when it happens, it means one of two things:

1.) he is gay.
2.) he is a straight man with a foot fetish.

usually, these guys fall into the second category. see, the thing is, i have very pretty feet. now, i am not one to brag on myself. in fact, my mom says i am not allowed to call myself ugly here anymore. it is verbotten. but i do know i have some nice features. i have good hair and lots of it, perfectly shaped lips and yes, pretty feet. i think the good hair is meant to make up for the unfortunate thighs, but it doesn't. it really doesn't. i so got screwed on that deal.

i get pedis every two weeks and tend to wear shoes that show a lot of foot. so, if there is a man within a five mile radius with a foot fetish, he will find me. i was once at a party and spent 30 minutes talking to a guy that never once looked me in the face. he spent the whole time looking at my feet and wiping the drool off of his chin. admittedly, my feet were looking super pretty that day. blood red polish and red strappy, sexy shoes. now i know how girls with big boobs feel when guys talk directly to their chests.

part of me is tempted to post a pics of my tootsies here just so you can see how very pretty they are, but i know better. i have a traffic meter on this site and it allows me to see what people have googled that brought them here. can i just say that there are some sick ass motherfuckers out there with high speed internet connections?

here are some things that people have googled that landed them here:

1.) john mayer nude - girls, if there were naked pics of my man out there, i would have found them by now. but, if perchance you do happen to run across some, please feel free to email a high-res copy of them to jellyblog@hotmail.com - just to prove me wrong, you know.

2.) fat chicks in capris - why? why? why? who has capri fetish? man, people will get off on ANYTHING! if you were to tell me that there are people in this world with a campbell's soup can fetish and that they beat off looking at pics of chicken noodle, i honestly don't think i would be all that surprised. i wouldn't be able to eat soup for a long time, but i would not be surprised.

3.) enemas - people google many variations on that theme. i can't even bring myself to tell you about all of them.

4.) hot asian chicks - god, that phrase gets googled more than any other. yellow fever has reached epidemic proportions. can't we vaccinate men against this?

so, knowing that, there is no way in hell i am going to post pics of my feet. i would see some guy google "foot fetish" and then see that he had spent 40 minutes on this site, and i would know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that he was spanking the monkey while looking at my feet. with that knowledge, the last little happy part of me would shrivel up and die. and then i would be bitter and unlovable. the ray of sunshine that is me would fade away and all that would be left is a kate spade purse full of cynicism and despair.

i guy i dated once asked me if he could suck my toes. i did not come right out and say "no" but i think the look of pure horror on my face conveyed the message fairly well. you see, the irony of this is, i can't stand to have my feet touched. can't stand it and will scream like a howler monkey on crack if you even try.