Tuesday, August 09, 2005

I Could Find the Nearest Sephora with My Eyes Closed

as i was taking a shower tonite, i looked around my bathroom and realized that i might, just maybe, have a teensy weensy problem. in my shower i have 16, yes, i counted, 16 bottles of shampoo and conditioner. this is in addition to the 7 different body washes, 4 scrubs and 3 face soaps. let's not forget the loofah, face brush, scrubby gloves and back brush! i am so overloaded on product, there is barely room for me in there anymore. when i stepped out the shower, i counted 38 bottles/jars/tubes of beauty products on my counter. i didn't even look under the sink and count all the stuff there because, well, frankly, i can't count that high without a calculator.

it's almost psychotic, notice i qualified that with an "almost." it is as if go into a fugue state when i enter Sephora. if you watch the security tapes, i am pretty sure you will see footage of me handing my bank card to a black clad saleswoman and saying, "got any new Philosophy 3-in-1 body washes? load me up. charge this baby til it screams."

for some reason, i TOTALLY buy into the mythology of the cosmetics industry. "well, if it costs $80 and comes in a pretty bottle, then it MUST be a superior product. THIS is the shampoo that will make me look JUST LIKE catherine zeta jones." what's sad is that this such a girly thing. guys don't buy this crap like we do. my best friend is a guy and about 2 years ago he came to spend the weekend at my house. when he walked into my bathroom, he starting laughing so hard he was in danger of cracking a rib. then he caught his breath, came back out and explained to me that a man can take a shower using nothing but a bar of soap. i was horrified. apparently, a man can use one bar of soap to wash his hair, clean his face, clean his body and lather up his naughty bits. i just cannot get my head around this. it was like he was speaking a foreign language. it kind of scared me a little.

i know i am not alone. so many of my girlfriends have succumbed to the Sephora Sickness. we need professional help. however, there is no 12 step program for us. but we don't *really* want to change,so here are our half assed 12 steps.

Step #1 - We admitted we were powerless over the Smashbox counter.

Step #2 - We came to believe that only a new bottle of Demeter fragrance could restore us to sanity.

Step #3 - Made a decision to turn our skin and our pocketbooks over to Bobbi Brown.

Step #4 - Made a searching a fearless inventory of our makeup bags. Yes, i do NEED 16 lipsticks.

Step #5 - Admitted only to God and our very best girlfriend *exactly* how much we spent on that Chanel lipstick.

Step #6 - We were entirely ready to have Dr. Perricone remove all defects from our pores.

Step #7 - Humbly asked the girl at the Lancome counter for an extra "gift with purchase" for a "friend."

Step #8 - Made a list of all the Stila clerks we had abused because they were sold out of the blush that Allure magazine called the "must have of the season" and made amends to them all. We apologize for scaring the clerk so badly she gave us extra samples just to make us go away.

Step #9 - Made direct amends to all those clerks, except when to do so would have cost them their job.

Step #10 - Continued to take a personal inventory, and when we ran out of eyeliner, promptly went to Nordstrom's and bought more.

Step #11 - Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our relationship with Bare Escentuals, praying for the knowledge that would allow us to "Swirl, Tap and Buff" just like the girls in the informercials.

Step #12 - Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of Biolage shampoo, seeking to share this knowledge with others.

ok, girls, our first meeting will be held at the Kiehl's counter. we will be giving away free samples of #1 lip balm in lieu of coffee and donuts. the line forms to the right. one sample per person, please.