Thursday, August 18, 2005

I Probably Should Not Even Be Awake This Late At Night

i am vain about many, many things. namely, my nails and my shoes, but one thing i am not vain about is my age. hell, i'll tell you right now i am 33 years old. and it doesn't bother me in the slightest. actually, my plan is, when i am 35, i will start telling people i am 40, so that they will look at me and say, "DAMN! you look GOOD for your age!"

my hair started going grey when i was in my early 20's and i have been coloring it ever since. oh, by the way, thanks for the defective genes, mom! but that didn't even bother me too much. one box of L'Oreal Feria later and no one was the wiser.

when i turned 30, it was honestly no big deal. it was just another number. i was not one of those women that locked herself in her bedroom for a week bemoaning her lost youth. hell, it was just another year and another excuse to go out drinking with my friends. and i got presents. how could that be bad?

but this morning, for the first time in my life, i FELT OLD. i was faced with the irrefutable evidence of my aging. oh god, it pains me to admit this, but today.....(deep breath and stifled sob)...... i had to put a medicated disk on my corn. yes, my descent into senior citizenship has started. i have a corn on my foot. that last sentence is probably the least sexy sentence ever uttered. grandmothers get corns. maiden aunts get corns. young, cute vibrant women DO NOT GET CORNS, DAMMIT!

what has happened to me? ten years ago i was out partying every weekend on the sunset strip. we partied thursday night, friday night, saturday night AND sunday night. we would puke it all up at 3am, then start drinking again the next night. but on sunday nights, we left the bars at 1am instead of 2am, because we had to work the next day and we needed our sleep, dontcha know. in my 20's i spent more time sleeping (read: passed out cold) on bathroom floors than i did sleeping in my own actual bed. flash forward to the present day, and if you call me and ask me to go out after work on a friday night, this is what you will hear from me:

*YAWN* are you serious? no, i am sorry, i am just too tired. maybe we can meet for lunch tomorrow afternoon. but i have to be home by 8pm because Big Brother is on and saturday nights are the Veto Competitions."

oh yeah, par-tay on bay-bee! what's next? an Ensure-Tini?

now, granted, i have noticed other signs of my impending middle age. the crepe-like texture of the skin on my neck, the fine lines on my face that are nestled next to my acne scars (side note: what kind of cruel joke is mother nature playing on me that i have to apply acne medicine AND wrinkle cream to my face every day? it should really be one or the other, not both. it's just not fair.) when i wake up in the mornings, parts of my body are stiff and my joints make weird noises. i am ok with the fact that i sound like a movie theater popcorn machine at 6am. i have accepted the fact that i am getting older. but that doesn't mean i have to surrender. but corns? oh, that just sucks ass.

next thing you know, i will be crocheting toilet paper cozies. if i ever make anything that can in any way be described as a "cozie" of any kind, you have my permission to take me out back and shoot me like Old Yeller. just do me a favor and make sure my medicated corn disks are removed before the viewing.