Sunday, August 07, 2005

Notes From the Pits of Hell

i was born and bred in los angeles. this is MY town, dammit. i love almost everything about it. the diverse cultures, the energy, the people and the shopping. the only other city that feels like "home" to me is manhattan. having traveled all over this country, i can honestly say that i would not thrive in any other city.

one of my best friends lives in iowa and i have been there a few times to visit her. if she didn't live there, i would never set foot in that state ever again. i just don't love corn that much. well, i might swing by there once a year to hit the thrift stores. the cool thing about Podunk, USA is that they wouldn't know fashion if if slapped them in the face. i always find the coolest clothes in their thrift stores. iowans must receive these fabulous cashmere sweaters from their hip relatives in NY and immediately donate them to goodwill. if they haven't seen it in the WalMart Winter Fashions Collection, they don't trust it. their ignorance becomes my $3 score.

one of the things i love about los angeles is being able to go to breakfast at Waffles N More and looking over to see Joey Lawrence at the table next to me, scarfing down his eggs benedict. or going to the movies and realizing that Pacey is sitting 3 rows ahead of me. i am a total entertainment whore and this just tickles me. i ain't never seen anna nicole at the Taco Tico in iowa.

i tell you this, because right now i fucking hate this place and i need to remember why i live here. it's august and it's 103 bajillion degrees outside at 9pm. basically, the Valley is just a desert that someone built houses on, and god help me, we bought one of them. truly, i hate summer and everything that goes along with it. this heat just sucks the lifeforce right out of me. i have spent the better part of today becoming one with my bed. even with the a/c on, i can barely make that long trek to the kitchen to refill my martini glass. and that my friends, is truly tragic.

some people LOVE this weather. i hate them. can someone please explain to me what is the point of "laying out?" what is the appeal of flinging your body onto the 100 degree ground and laying there in the heat, sweating like winona ryder in front a security camera at nieman marcus? then they have their cute little spray bottles of water that they use to "mist" themselves. you wanna "mist" yourself, go take a shower. newsflash, they make self tanners. this is not necessary.

if i was allowed to carry a concealed weapon, i would spend the whole summer driving around in my air conditioned car and shooting those fools that you see JOGGING at 12 noon. they really can't be contributing much to the gene pool and i don't think they would be missed. BANG!

and in los angeles, summer means tourists. yeah, yeah, yeah, i know they help our economy and are good for business, blah, blah, blah. but they are in my way and make the traffic even worse. driving in los angeles is not THAT hard. you can always spot these poor fools on the freeways. there they are in their rented minivan, white knuckling the steering wheel, desperately trying to change lanes. just DO IT and get out of my way! GOSH!

i hate this heat so much, it just makes me want to shoot myself. but i don't even have the energy to pull the trigger.