Sunday, September 18, 2005

Getting the Dry Heaves at JC Penney

i have known for a long time that i am not cut out for motherhood, but as i get older, i occasionally question my decison to remain childless. did i make the right choice? should i have had children? would i be a really great mother? yes, no and no, as it turns out.

my goddaughter is 9 and her sisters are 7 and 4 years old. every year i take them back to school shopping. usually, it's a really fun day. we hit all the stores, get a bunch of new clothes and have a great time. yesterday was the annual shopping spree and it started out fine. we went to the mega mall near their house and got most of the shopping done at the first store we hit. so, we break for an early lunch. it's 11:30am and all three girls wanted clam chowder for lunch. and the little freaks ate every last drop. and i had to watch them slurp down that nasty ass swill.

whilst dining, the girls asked me what foods i do and don't like. (my food issues are a whole 'nother blog entry, trust me) so, i gave them the short list of foods i don't eat. now, the middle daughter, who is 7, has been a raging carnivore since she cut her first tooth. she LOVES steak, prime rib, filet mignon, etc. when i mentioned the fact that i don't like steak, the look on her face read, "Do.Not.Compute.Error.Error." you would have thought i said i don't like oxygen. the child could truly not comprehend that someone would pass up a slab of dead cow.

we all finish eating and go to the bathroom for a potty break. i may not be mom material, but i do know that when you have kids in a public place you should make them stop at every available bathroom and make them go whether they have to or not.

off to the bookstore where they soak me for another $100. when we walked in i told them they could each get 2 books. somehow, they all walked out with 3 or 4 but i don't mind because i would rather spend the money on books than video games or some crap like that. i've been pushing books on these kids since they were born.

last stop, JC Penney. we grab some tshirts and jeans for everyone and traipse off to the dressing room to try it all on. three kids in one dressing room can be a bit chaotic, but we have a system. after everything is tried on it goes into one of three piles, the yes pile, the no pile and the maybe pile. smooth sailing. i'm starting to think i might not be half bad at this kid business. and then it all went to hell.

the 7 year old tells me she has to pee. and then, before i can even react, she loses control of her bladder and pees all over herself and the floor. she's crying hysterically, her sisters are staring at her and i am paralyzed. the kid is SOAKED. so, i lock them in the dressing room, go to the register and apologetically explain what happened and ask for a roll of paper towels so i can clean up the mess. the teeneage retail bitches behind the register look at me as if we did this on purpose. i don't have time to rip them new assholes, so i grab the towels and go back to the dressing room.

Puddles (her new nickname) is in the corner, still crying. so i am trying to calm her down and clean the carpet. finally, i get it as clean as i can and tell her to take off her clothes and we will change her into some the stuff we had bought earlier. she leaves all her clothes in a pile in the corner and changes. i go to grab the soiled clothes so i can put them in a plastic bag. as i bend over this pile of steaming, urine soaked clothes, i started dry heaving. i have a very sensitive sense of smell and this just threw me over the edge. i run to opposite corner of the dressing room, bend over and make a noise that had no vowel sounds.

"GGRRRRKKKWWWWWWWMMMMMMMRRRRRRPPPPPPSSSSSXXXXXXX!"

even Puddles stopped crying long enough to gawk at me. now, please keep in mind that all of this is taking place in a dressing room. the kind where the walls don't go all the way up to the ceiling. everyone from Toddler Clothing to Housewares can hear me horking up the taquitos i had for lunch.

i BARELY managed to not puke all over the carpet and finally get the clothes into a plastic bag. still heaving a little, i hold the bag out to the 9 year old and ask her to tie a knot in the top of the bag. she's completely grossed out and says, "No way! Have her do it!" and points to her youngest sister. now, the youngest one has a sense of smell like mine. i turn to her and she is completely horrified and shrinks into the corner, shaking her head "no" the whole time. so, i summoned every bit of willpower i possess and manage to get the bag closed.

we go to pay for the clothes we are buying and i apologize profusely to the teenage retail bitches who continue to stare down their noses at me. bitches, you work at JC Penney, get over yourselves.

thinking this is probably a good time to call it a day, we head out towards the side of the mall where the car is parked. as we are walking, one of the carrier type shopping bags bursts open and all over the floor there are 'Tween Jeans and Lemony Snicket books as far as the eye can see. i am pretty much near tears at this point. we gather up all the stuff and manage to cram it into the remaining bags and continue towards the parking garage.

FINALLY, we make it to the car, get everyone buckled in and head towards home. in the parking lot, some bitch cuts me off and without thinking, i screamed, "FUCK ME!" i really do make every effort to not swear in front of the kids, so this was the first time they had heard me curse, and at the tops of my lungs, no less. i turned to the 9 year old and said, "listen, i'm sorry you had to hear that, but i had to clean up urine today. i think i am entitled to drop one F-Bomb, ok?"

as soon as i am done typing this, i will be performing an at home hysterectomy. and next year, they are getting gift cards.