Sunday, September 25, 2005

Hidden Gems at Your Local BIG LOTS!

i LOVE designer shoes and handbags and will not think twice about spending $300 on a really great Kate Spade tote. but that does not mean i do not know how to economize. i have no qualms about shopping at BIG LOTS! or the 99 cent store. a can of Spagetios is a can of Spagetios no matter where you buy it. why pay $1.50 at the grocery store when you can get it for 99 cents?

however, perusing my local BIG LOTS! yesterday, i came across some items that i have never seen at my local grocer's.

Example
when people decorate their homes with folksy roosters, do they not know that their decor can now be referred to as "Country Cock?" if i go into a house and it has roosters on the towels, plaques and dishes, i would have no choice but to exclaim, "wherever did you get that cock towel?" or "that cock on your wall looks so lifelike!" sometimes my inner 12 year old cannot be stifled.



Example
salsa con queso in tub. not so bad, really. but the brand name is Bubba Tub. this immediately calls to mind images of some big, slovenly hillbilly in a barcalounger, eating this with off brand Fritos while watching a "Dirty Harry" marathon on the Guns and Ammo Network. actually, i just kind of described my brother.



Example
pork hocks in a jar. why is it that only the most digusting pork parts are sold in clear glass jars? pork rinds, pickled pig's feet and pork hocks are always shown in all their glorious goriness. i guess pork chops in a jar would probably be pretty nasty, too, come to think of it. when i am president of the world, i will put a ban on all pork products in clear jars. you can thank me later.



Example
discount condoms are never a good idea. you can stitch that on a throw pillow right now. what struck me the most about these, though, was the tagline on the box. i know the pic is a little fuzzy. (do you have any idea how hard it is to take these guerilla photographs and NOT get caught? oh how i suffer for my readers.) this multi pack of rubbers is called the "Mambo Combo" and below that it reads "Do The Dance with 8 Varieties of Your Favorite Condoms." i guess for nights when you want to get buckass wild and swing from the rafters, you would use the Salsa variety. and nights when you are feeling a little WASP-y and want to do it missionary style with the lights off, you would bust out the Country Club Bunny Hop style.



Example
Fisher Boy Fish Portions. not even fish sticks, but fish PORTIONS. that's WAY too vague for my tastes. Fisher Boy is not yet a professional Fisher Man, so these are probably made from ALL the crap that he catches in his net. fish, rusty beer cans, used Mambo Condoms, and cigarette butts. the package actually says, "made from minced fish parts." it doesn't specify WHICH parts and that's scary. and i'm pretty sure it's not the breading that makes it Crunchy.



Example
baby clams in a can. and this was not being marketed as cat food. the brand name is California Girl. um, i am a born and bred California Girl and i would not eat that shit on a dare. and besides, when was the last time you saw a recipe that called for canned baby clams? maybe in the Cookbook For Bulimics: Barfing Made Easy, but outside of that, eh, not so much.



Example
check out Kashi's new Jungle Fever line of cereals. are you in an inter-racial relationship AND lacking fiber in your diet? have we got the cereal for you!
i'm guessing this was at BIG LOTS! because it was not a real big seller in the South. call it a hunch.