Monday, October 31, 2005

Tips For Halloween 2006 - Just to Get A Jump Start

YOU ARE TOO OLD TO TRICK OR TREAT IF.......

1.) you are dressed as a hobo and your beard stubble is real.

2.) you look at your watch at exclaim, "damn! it's 8pm!" not because 8pm is your curfew, but because 8pm is the time you are supposed to take your birth control pill every night.

3.) you can drive yourself from house to house.

4.) you are dressed in a suit and tie and your costume is "business man." but that's what you wore to work today.

5.) your cell phone rings while trick or treating and it is your boss asking if you remembered to put the cover sheet on your TPS report.

6.) your costume requires an underwire bra. and it fits.

7.) your circa 1985 Skeletor costume is the same one you wore in 3rd grade.

8.) you get a woody when the lady of the house answers the doorbell. and then you hit on her by saying "trick or TREAT" while grabbing your crotch.

9.) you are concerned that the caramel candies will pull out your fillings.

10.) you get some Hershey's Kisses and think, "those would be a great garnish for my chocolate martini tonight!"

Thursday, October 27, 2005

I Love All Animals, Except For One

some friends of ours are on vacation this week, so i have been going to their house on my lunch hour and walking their dog. i love this dog and threaten to dognap her everytime i see her. Patches is the sweetest, cutest wiggle butt-ed dog in the world. don't tell my pups i said that, but it's true.

Example
how can you NOT love that face? i mean, really.

when her owners come back from their cruise, i already have my story planned. "well, gosh, i don't know what happened. she just got away from me and i never saw her again. {insert sob} oh, and on a side note, you can never come to my house again, either." i have already started practicing my "innocent and bewildered face" in the mirror. i think they are totally going to buy my story.

then, at the other end of the spectrum, is their cat, Woody. this cat scares the bejesus out me. he hisses at me constantly and the look in his eyes says, "let me feast on the tender flesh of your neck."




Example
see? i'm right, aren't i? that is the face of evil.



Example
this is what he looks like most of the time. bloodthirsty and ready to kill.



what scares me most is when he "purrs" and rubs up against my legs. i scream like a little girl and jump about 3 feet into the air when he does that. he is a furry little terrorist and i am wholly convinced he lays awake nights plotting WWIII.

normally, i love all animals and they love me. introduce me to a snarling 150 pound rottweiler, and within 5 minutes he will be my new best friend and will be on his back getting a belly rub. but Woody, well, he's satan and if there's one thing i learned in catholic school, it was to never make friends with the devil. because he will steal your soul. and so will Woody.

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

There is a REASON Chuck E Cheese Serves Beer

ah yes, a glorious saturday afternoon spent at Chuck E Cheese. it really is an experience like none other. small, sticky children running around, hopped up on Mr. Pibb and cake. bright lights, clanging bells, and the non stop "beep beep beep" of the myriad of video games and rides. yes, i have been to hell and lived to tell the tale.

Example
and apparently, in hell, we have dinner theater.

at Chuck's it all boils down to the Almighty Ticket. you spend $40 buying tokens, which the kids feed into the games and the games spew out tickets which the kids trade in for cheap ass prizes. $40 in tokens translates into $1.98 plastic pair of sunglasses. god bless capitalism.

we were there for my best friend's youngest daughter's birthday party. (this is not the one that peed in the dressing room. Puddles is the middle child. keep up, people.) i knew we were in for an afternoon of screaming kids, bad pizza and even worse entertainment. part of the birthday package includes an appearance by Chuck himself at the table. the hostesses told the kids that if they danced with Chuck, they would get TICKETS. so all the little girls promptly jumped up and started dancing with the six foot mouse. hhmmm, so let's recap, shall we? what have our girls learned today? oh yes, they have learned to dance with strangers for money! they need to change their slogan to, "Chuck E Cheese: Where a Lap Dancer Can Be A Kid!"



Example
the look on the hostess' face says it all, doesn't it. "shoot me. shoot me now. if i have to do the Hand Jive ONE.MORE.TIME, i will kill myself and everyone within a 4 mile radius. i'm serious. and i'm taking the fucking mouse out first."

i can't wait til these girls are old enough to have their birthday parties in real bars like normal people.

Friday, October 21, 2005

Sorry, Mom, But the Truth MUST Be Told

i was attempting to open a plastic package the other day. i tugged at it, i pulled, i used my teeth, all to no avail. it quickly became clear to me that i was going to need scissors. so, i go the DESIGNATED SCISSOR SPOT, and to my shock, the scissors were not there. i was convinced that my mother had used them and failed to return them to the DESIGNATED SCISSOR SPOT. that's when the swearing started, and i wasn't being real quiet about it, either.

"goddamit! why can't she put the fucking scissors back in the fucking DESIGNATED SCISSOR SPOT when she is done with them? how fucking hard is that? is that too much to fucking ASK??!?!"

it continued in this vein as i tore thru the junk drawer, rifled the desk and searched the mail basket. at this point, the dogs looked at one another and i am fairly certain i heard one whisper to the other, "oh fuck. we got adopted a fucking nut job." (i really don't know where they picked up that kind of language. no more HBO for them!) then they ran outside, planning their escape, no doubt.

now, it might seem that i was overreacting given the situation. but you see, we have ISSUES in my house when it comes to putting things back where they belong. take the dairy products, for example. now *i* believe that once you have poured your milk, the milk carton should be returned to the fridge within 5 minutes. my mother, on the hand, does not subscribe to this belief system. she will leave the milk or butter on the counter for HOURS. as i actively try to avoid food poisoning whenever possible, this is a slight bone of contention between us.

the other day, i had a violent headache and my back was hurting. comfort food was obviously the only cure. so i decided to make some Kraft Macaroni and Cheese. because really, is there anything more comforting than that package of magic cheese dust? i think not.

i get the butter out of the fridge. this is a tub of whipped butter. it should be so light and airy that you can scoop it out with a mere flick of the spoon. not in my house. this thing had been left out and re-refrigerated so many times that it was now as hard as granite. i had to use a knife to chisel out chunks of it. little butter bits were flying all over the kitchen. i FINALLY manage to excavate the 4 tablespoons worth that i needed. needless to say, i was cursing up a storm the whole time.

if you ever come to my house and my mom offers you milk and buttered toast, do yourself a favor and JUST SAY NO!

given our history with things not being put back into the proper place, i was convinced she had mislaid the scissors. i could not find them anywhere and resorted to using a screwdriver to shred the plastic. i was NOT happy, let me tell you.

later that night, i was getting ready for bed. what do i spy with my little eye? the scissors. in my bedroom. where i had left them the day before. and my dresser is not the DESIGNATED SCISSOR SPOT.

i'm a fucking moron. but, i'm still right about the dairy products. SO THERE!

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

The Betrayal Of the Uterus

flipping thru the channels. another exciting night for me, oh yeah. what's this? a Seinfeld rerun? ooooo, George Costanza is looking H-O-T hot!. work those Dockers, Georgie boy, work them! this is getting too hot for me, i better change the channel. hhmm, "Everybody Loves Raymond." well, JELLY loves Raymond, big daddy. what a man, what a man, what a mighty fine man. damn, i better see what's on cable. yeah baby, a Pauly Shore movie. DUDE!

yup, i must be ovulating. that time of the month when EVERY man looks good. a dangerous time, indeed. men i would not look twice at on any other day all of a sudden become tasty little man meat morsels. for these few days, i become easy like a sunday morning. my body is screaming at me to PROCREATE ALREADY, DAMMIT. and this unnatural attraction to anything with an adam's apple is just nature's way of trying to knock me up.

i have never been pregnant and don't ever want to be. can someone please get the memo to my womb before i start hitting on that guy from "King of Queens?"

Saturday, October 15, 2005

She Was A Small Town Girl With Big City Dreams

Example

PLAYMATE DATA SHEET

NAME: Roxie

BUST: Multiple Nipples. WAIST: Trim and Slim. HIPS: Muscular.

HEIGHT: Knee High. WEIGHT: A Lady Never Tells.

BIRTHDATE: 3-21-05 BIRTHPLACE: Taft, California

AMBITIONS: To make sure my sister, Daphne, receives no affection or attention whatsover. To chew every piece of furniture I can get my paws on. And world peace.

TURN ONS: Beefy bones, Kongs, pig ears, and kibble.

TURN OFFS: Hearing, "NO! BAD CHEW!" a million times a day. Sharing my toys with my sister. Cats.

FAVORITE QUOTE: "Good Girl!"

Friday, October 14, 2005

What NOT To Get Me For My Birthday

Example

my birthday is next month and if you gave these to me as a gift, i would beat you to death with them.

there is just so much ugly there, i don't know where to start snarking. the maribou? the zebra print? the badly tied bow? then there's the toes. oh yes, nothing says class like fake toes.

even scarier is the fact that i took this pic at a fairly nice department store. hell, i think the regional buyer at Big Lots! would laugh at these and say, "are you fucking kidding me? we have a reputation to uphold." then he would order 3 more gross of the Bubba Tub of salsa.

Thursday, October 13, 2005

ATTICA! ATTICA! ATTICA!

Example

yup, the're chewers, alright. in two days the little assasins managed to take out one coffee table and a sofa cushion. one of them was puking up foam from the sofa cushion (aren't you glad i didn't take a pic of that?) so, for their own protection, we got them a big ass outdoor kennel.

hey, don't feel bad for them. they got three hots and a cot. but no cable tv.

Monday, October 10, 2005

The Best Tattoo, EVER!

i have two tattoos. before i got them, i thought long and hard about the designs. i knew they would be permanent and i needed to make sure i wanted to live with these works of art on my body until the day i die. i love my tattoos and would not change a thing about them.

others have not put as much thought into theirs, i am fairly certain.

yesterday, mom and i went to an indoor swap meet. this place deserves a blog entry of it's own and soon as i can get back there with my real camera, you too will experience the joy that is the Valley Indoor Swap Meet. trust me, it will be worth the wait.

anyway, while we were browsing the aisles of crap, i spotted a girl walking in front of me. she was wearing low rise pants and a crop tee, so her lower back tattoo was in full view for all to enjoy.

do you want to know what it said?





i know you do.






wait for it.






it's coming.






are you ready?




you sure?





her tramp stamp was a tattoo that said "Exit Only" and had a little arrow pointing down at her ass. hand to god.

i DESPERATELY wanted to take a picture and even stalked her thru a few aisles with my Sidekick, but i knew the pic would be fuzzy at best. i wanted a pic of that one so bad that i seriously considered going up to her and asking if i could take a picture of it. i would have to pretend that i really liked her tattoo. but then she might want to talk about it and i would have to stand there talking about anal sex with a stranger at the swap meet and i just could not bring myself to do that. plus, she looked kind of scary and i was pretty sure she could kick my ass if she figured out that i didn't really like her tattoo. and i ain't getting my ass beat just to get a picture.

i try to give everyone the benefit of the doubt, so i thought maybe that tattoo was the evidence of one, bad drunken night. but then realized that her oufit was specifically chosen to show off the tattoo. she was proud of it.

then i pondered the purpose of the tattoo. were men constantly trying to fuck her in the ass without her permission? how often was she in the position (pun inteneded) for this to be an issue? well, she and her boyfriend did look like lowlife speed freaks, so maybe she does spend a lot of time passed out in the company of strangers.

she better hope she never goes to prison, that's all i gotta say. let's say i get sent to prison for finally beating someone else's child at the mall (and really, we all know it's just a matter of time until that happens.) and when i get to prison, i have all kinds of power because i have the smokes. if some fresh meat came onto my cell block with a tat like that, i would have my bitches ram things up her ass just to be ironic. (did i ever mention that my mom left me watch "Prison: Cell Block H" when i was a child?)

Exit Only, indeed.

Saturday, October 08, 2005

My New Babies!

we got our new puppies today. they are 7 month old sisters, half pit and half lab. envy the cuteness.


Example
this is Roxie.


Example
this is Daphne. she was watching me eat french fries, hence the long drool slobber hanging from her mouth there.

Monday, October 03, 2005

And The Dumbass I Will Be Making Fun of Today, Well, That Would Be Me

you always hear how a true genius can solve a quantun physics equation in 2.8 seconds, yet the same person can be so totally absent-minded that they forget to wear underwear. i think i am that kind of person. well, that's my story and i am sticking to it. genius in so many ways, yet unable to operate machinery without adult supervision.

last friday, i went to Bath & Body Works, also known as the poor woman's Sephora. i "found" a new scent that i fell in love with and immediately purchased the shower gel, body lotion, body splash and tube of body cream. or, so i thought. i buy the lotion to keep in the bathroom for after shower use and the cream i keep on my nightstand for nighttime hand and feet application. i loved this scent so much, that as soon as i got home i took a shower just so i could use all my new products and go to bed smelling mega yummy. before i went to bed, i slathered the cream on my feet and noticied that it felt kind of sticky. but i just shrugged it off and went to bed.

the next night, i was telling my friend, kate, about this great new scent from B&BW. i grabbed the tube of body cream so that i could tell her the exact name. when i told her the scent was Cotton Blossom, she laughed her ass off and proceeded to tell me that i had indeed smelled it before. in fact, it was when she and i went on vacation together back in March. maybe the fact that i was sidewalk licking drunk the whole vacation is why i have no recollection of ever having seen this stuff.

to futher compound my stupidity, as we were laughing at me, i looked at the tube again and realized it was NOT body cream. it was body wash. i had slathered body wash on my feet the night before and happily gone to sleep. i tend to sweat while i sleep (i'm painting a sexy, sexy picture, aren't i?) god knows, my feet probably lathered up in the middle of the night and i slept right thru it.

how i manage to walk and chew gum at the same time is nothing short of miraculous.

Saturday, October 01, 2005

The Only Thing Missing Was The Popcorn

just got back from a rockin' saturday night at my local Target. (deanna, i TOLD you my life is far from uber glam. do you believe me now?) that may sound boring, but damn, i had a good time. a mother and daughter were standing in the middle of the aisle having a screaming fight. the mom was in her 50's and the daughter looked to be in her late 20's or early 30's. this fight was so good that at one point, i turned my cart around and just stood there watching them, not even pretending to be looking at the Purex display.

the mother kept walking away and screaming back at the daughter. here are some choice snippets from ScreamFest '05.

daughter: "you can just go straight to hell!"
mother: "do you want me to keep screaming at you?"
daughter: "if you throw that thing and it hits my kid, you WILL be sorry!"
mother: "this is why i hate shopping with you!"

i bet Mother's Day at their house is just a hoot and a half.

this was screamed at full volume for the enjoyment of all Target shoppers. i LOVE IT when people fight in public. really, it just amuses me to no end. and hey, if you are going to air your dirty laundry in public, don't give ME a dirty look for watching.

my mom and i don't scream at other in private, let alone in the DVD section of Target. although, we do occasionally "play bicker" when we are out shopping. and then i do this thing that pisses her off mightily. while we are bickering, i will find an empty aisle and clap my hands together very sharply so it sounds like a slap. then i scream, "mom, that hurt!!" i think this is funnier than hell. her, not so much.

Oh, She's Going to Heaven FOR SURE

Example

apparently there is a "point system" in place that was never mentioned in the bible. when you die and go to heaven, st. peter stands there with his checklist.

WWJD bracelet = 5 points
diamond encrusted cross necklace = 10 points
license plates/holders = 20 points each

i love when i see one of these cars decked out with anti darwin bumper stickers and "god is my co-pilot" window decals and they are driving like total assholes. what happened to "do unto others?" and i am such a judgemental bitch, that when one of these cars is trying to change lanes and get in front me, i don't let them. hey, if god really wanted you to be in my lane, he would send me sign.