Tuesday, November 29, 2005

My Life As A Dog

it's one thing when parents play favorites amongst siblings, but another thing altogether when you realize the family dog is higher up on the totem pole than you are. my granny has a little poodle type dog named Dolly. the world spins on it's axis merely because Dolly wishes it so. the sun rises and sets because Dolly wants it to. we all exist to serve Dolly. or so my granny thinks.

that dog lives better than most people i know. Dolly "doesn't like" regular kibble, so every week, my granny makes a chicken just for Dolly. and Dolly likes to go for car rides, but she is too short to see out the window, so Dolly has her own special doggie car seat that elevates her so she can see out the car.

one day i spent the whole afternoon at my granny's house cleaning her shower. she still gets around fairly well, but the shower needed some major elbow grease. i spent HOURS cleaning that shower. i was using a steam machine, Tilex and and some heavy duty grout cleaner. i am such a good granddaughter.

when i was done, i was sweaty, filthy, and a little high from the fumes. granny offered to make me lunch. she said, "i made a chicken for the dog and have some extra meat. i'll make you some chicken tacos."

i happily wolfed them down and then left her house. on the drive home, it occurred to me. i had gotten the dog's leftovers. and you wonder why i have low self esteem?

it's particularly disturbing to me when granny mixes up my name and the dog's name. it's really unsettling to hear her say, "i took Jelly to the groomer and they trimmed the hair out of her ears and squeezed her anal glands." let's not dwell on that mental image too long, ok?

i'm almost afraid that when granny dies and they read the will, granny will have mixed up our names again and the lawyer is going to say, "and to my beloved Dolly, i leave all my diamonds and the house." damn dog is going to make out like a bandit and i will probably inherit the doggie car seat and 3 chickens.