Thursday, December 29, 2005

Damn, I Never Get Tired of Talking About Myself

i got tagged by radiovixen.com, and i know you all are RIVETED by the details of my exciting life, so read on and wish you were me.

Four jobs you've had in your life:
1.) cashier at House of Fabrics - aka the Seventh Ring of Hell
2.) customer service manager for a mail order company - my therapist won't let let me talk about this job if i am unmedicated.
3.) god, i can't believe i am admitting to this, but i was once one of the people in the mall that ask you to take surveys. please don't hate me.
4.) cashier at a cafeteria. most miserable job, ever. this was in my early 20's when i was going out to bars with my friends 4 nights a week. i would stay out until 4am and go to work at 6am. often, i would fall asleep with my face on the cash register and wake up to find button imprints on my face. surprisngly, i was never made Employee of the Month.

Four movies you could watch over and over:
1.) sixteen candles - two words. Jake Ryan.
2.) rebecca - is it wrong that Mrs. Danvers is my role model?
3.) breakfast club - i still haven't resolved my teen angst issues, apparently.
4.) clerks - still makes me laugh, 2546 viewings later.


Four places you've lived:
1.) los angeles - as my friend martha jean says, that's it. that's the list. been here my whole life.

Four TV shows you love to watch:
1.) 24 - i just recently got into this show. jack bauer gives me girl wood. oh, and it's a good show, too. yeah.
2.) Arrested Development - can't watch this without Tivo because i keep having to rewind and make sure i heard what i thougt i heard. but, buster does NOT give me girl wood.
3.) L O S T - yeah, i'm hooked. shoot me before i start analyzing the meaning of Walt's orange shirt. does that mean he is dead and in the fiery flames of hell? or does it mean he is being hidden in an orange grove? oooooo, too many theories, my head hurts.
4.) Degrassi: the Next Generation - i really have issues with teen drama shows. god, i need help.

Four websites you visit daily:
1.) dooce.com - DUH, who doesn't?
2.) knittinghelp.com - the greatest knitting web site in the whole wide world. another gem that radiovixen.com turned me on to and i am forever grateful.
3.) there's this John Mayer message board that i read but don't post on. lots of pics. it's my daily porn.
4.) eBay - always looking for those yarn deals.

Four of your favorite foods:
1.) french fries - hot, greasy, lightly salted. yum.
2.) John Mayer's Forearms - hot, greasy, lightly salted. yum
3.) Nacho Chesse Doritos - i can eat my body weight in these. it's a proven fact.
4.) refried beans - i can eat these every day and often do. damn, now i'm hungry.


Four places you'd rather be:
1.) London
2.) New York
3.) my bed
4.) John Mayer's bed (oh c'mon, who didn't see that one coming?)


Four albums you can't live without:
1.) Duran Duran - Greatest Hits
2.) Guns N' Roses - Appetite for Destruction
3.) The Killers - Hot Fuss
4.) INXS - Listen Like Thieves

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

Why It's A Good Thing I Don't Want Kids - Reason #4587

i decided that if i ever did have a kid, i would name it RikiTikiTavi, just like the mongoose. and i don't care if it's a boy or a girl, it's name would be RikiTikiTavi. and i would NOT let people call it Riki. nope, i would force them to say the whole thing.

go on, say it. it's really fun. RikiTikiTavi. now, you will be saying it all day. it's addictive.

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Tag! I'm It!

ok, since no one in the blogosphere cares enough to tag me *sniff sniff* i am tagging myself. that and i am just lazy right now.

TEN RANDOM THINGS YOU MIGHT NOT KNOW ABOUT ME
1.) one of my top 3 favorite songs of all time is "dragula" by rob zombie.
2.) my feet are abnormally large considering my height.
3.) i can't watch movies that have bugs in them.
4.) i only buy juvenile sheets (tweety, nemo, winnie the pooh, etc.)
5.) i am a compulsive knitter and for me, surfing online yarn stores is like a 16 year old boy surfing for porn.
6.) no one has seen my natural hair color in 16 years.
7.) i am a staunch liberal who believes in the death penalty.
8.) i am addicted to "text twist."
9.) i have 2 tattoos.
10.) my tivo is my bestest friend in the whole wide world.


NINE PLACES I HAVE VISITED
1.) beirut, lebanon
2.) atlanta, georgia
3.) boston, mass
4.) hawaii
5.) new york
6.) washington dc
7.) san francisco, ca
8.) iowa
9.) minnesota

EIGHT WAYS TO WIN MY HEART
1.) buy me yarn or nacho cheese doritos
2.) quote "arrested development" lines to me
3.) know exactly what i mean when i say, "i am having a mrs. danvers kind of day."
4.) rub my shoulders
5.) cook for me.
6.) send me text messages when you see that john mayer is going to be on tv.
7.) oh hell, just be john mayer.
8.) laugh at my stupid jokes.

SEVEN THINGS I WANT TO DO BEFORE I DIE
1.) touch john mayer's forearms.
2.) go to London.
3.) talk to john irving.
4.) be able to wear a size 8 for more than one week.
5.) win the lotto.
6.) caress john mayer's forearms.
7.) lick john mayer's forearms.

SIX THINGS I AM AFRAID OF
1.) getting headlice from a movie theater seat.
2.) bridges
3.) falling
4.) having stuff fall on me
5.) fire
6.) big rig trucks

FIVE THINGS I DON'T LIKE
1.) steak
2.) mushrooms
3.) seafood
4.) coconut
5.) nuts

FOUR WAYS TO TURN ME OFF
1.) BO
2.) nose hair
3.) vote republican
4.) chew with your mouth open

THREE THINGS I DO EVERYDAY
1.) clean my toenails
2.) moisturize
3.) read

TWO THINGS THAT MAKE ME HAPPY
1.) john mayer's forearms
2.) french fries

ONE THING ON MY MIND RIGHT NOW
1.) i need to blow dry my hair before it air dries all funky

Friday, December 16, 2005

Oh Lord, Please Let Him Be Single!!

Example

he's so money and he doesn't even know it.

of course, from now on, every time i see a food service person without the beard condom, i will wonder if their facial hair is in my food.

this pic was sent to me by my friend, Sherri. i now have friends and family doing guerilla photography for me. i am such a bad influence.

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

I SWEAR I Don't Live in the Ghetto

at 2am on Monday morning i was snuggled in my blankies, dreaming of john mayer's forearms and a bottle of Reddi-Whip. the puppies were sleeping at my feet and all was well in my world. then, BOOM BOOM CRASH BOOM. this scared the crap out of me and the pups. the dogs jumped onto my chest and started barking like maniacs. ouch.

i ran outside to see what was going on. apparently, a police chase had ended right in front of my house. i saw a truck turned over on it's side and two cop cars. the truck had hit one of my neighbor's trucks and totally creamed it. all his tools that had been in the back were now scattered all over the street. now, this particular neighbor is rumored to film porn movies in his house. this is really not all that shocking as we are in the San fernando Valley, the Porn Capital of the USA. i'm just glad the tools in the truck were from his day job and not from this other line of work. really, who wants to see dildoes and cock rings all over their street at 2am?

so, there i am looking like 10 miles of dead sexy in my bunny print pajama bottoms and my Winnie the Pooh sweatshirt. i'm just glad the news cameras weren't there yet, because you just know that's the shot of me that would be on the next morning's newscast.

the cops shoo us all back into our houses. i go back inside and the dogs are FLIPPING OUT. my poor puppies were born in the sticks and spent the first 7 months of their lives in relative peace and quiet. now they have to learn to live with high speed police chases. it's been a bit of an adjustment for them. but in six months time, when the cops bust the porn neighbor, i know the pups will be able to sleep right thru all the commotion. that's my hope, anyway.

Thursday, December 08, 2005

Ok, Who Set the Time Machine for 1974?

i actually saw this in a local restaurant this week.

Example

Monday, December 05, 2005

There is a 2 Drink Minimum in My Family

Apparently, the drinking gene skipped a generation in my family. My great-grandmother, mother and I can all drink like fish. My granny, not so much. She doesn’t like the taste of alcohol and almost never drinks. But the few times she has gotten drunk have been memorable, to say the least.

When I was 5 years old, she took me with her to a friend’s wedding. Granny had like maybe 3 glasses of champagne and was hammered. Because the church was close to the house, we had walked there. On the walk home, granny was lurching from telephone pole to telephone pole, barely able to walk. And always being the little helper that I am, I was skipping down the street ahead of her, singing at the top of my lungs, “Grandma’s drunk! Grandma’s drunk!” I am sure the neighbors appreciated my town crier impersonation at 11 0’clock at night.

The only other time she got rip roaring drunk was about 20 years ago, she and grandpa went out to a bar with another couple. The wife told my granny that Singapore Slings tasted just like punch, and she should try those. Well, she did and she liked them. Liked them so much, she drank them all night long. She says she didn’t feel drunk at all and thought she had finally found a drink she could tolerate. Until she stood up. Then she knew she was blitzed. (isn’t that a great feeling?)

Grandpa drove her home in his 1965 Mustang and while he was on Sunset Blvd. another car gunned it’s engine. Granny took this as a challenge and turned to my grandpa and said, “Race him, Louie! You can beat him!” The thought of my grandparents drag racing down Sunset Blvd. on a Saturday night is almost more than I can bear.

That pretty much ended her illustrious drinking career. She now has zero tolerance for alcohol. A few years ago she spent the night at my house. I had drank one of my famous white trash martinis (diet vanilla coke and vanilla vodka) before bed and left the glass on the counter. There was no booze in it, just the melting ice. After I went to bed, granny decided she wanted a glass of water. Being raised during the Depression, she learned to never waste anything. So, when she spied my glass with the ice on the counter, she put the ice in her water. She didn’t know there had been alcohol in that cup, she just thought I had drank a regular soda. Now, there had to be maybe 1/8 of a tablespoon worth of booze in that cup. Not enough to get a kitten trashed, but it was enough for granny. She wasn’t really hammered, but when she woke up the next morning, she told me she has slept so good! She didn’t know why she did, just that she slept like a baby. Then I saw my glass was in the sink and asked if she put it there. That’s when she told me about the ice and I realized she had unintentionally had herself a little night cap.

So, there are some hard learned drinking lessons that she doesn’t know about.

1.) Cool Ranch Doritos taste the same coming back up as they do going down.
2.) Three bottles of Boone’s Farm Strawberry Hill will make your puke pink.
3.) Tequila shots are NEVER a good idea. Ever.
4.) After 5 martinis, you will lose all inhibitions about peeing in public.
5.) Girls cannot pee in public without getting their shoes wet.
6.) Real friends will hold back your hair when you are puking out the window of a moving car.
7.) Projectile vomit travels faster than the speed of light.
8.) If you fall out of bed after drinking 7 Lemon drop martinis, you will not even feel the landing.
9.) I am an AWESOME singer when I am hammered.
10.) The only cure for a hangover is nasty, greasy fried food.


So, obviously, my granny is fairly ignorant in the ways of hangover foods and cures. Saturday night we went to a wedding and my mom and I got shit faced. It wasn’t pretty. Just ask the limo driver or whatever poor sap gets to clean up the mess I left in that car. Not to be too gross, but let’s just say that I woke up Sunday morning with a 100% EMPTY stomach.

The next morning, I make my way to mom and granny’s hotel room to find my mom looking like 12 miles of bad road. We were twins. And both desperately in need of some greasy, fried food to cure the hangover. A grilled cheese sandwich and French fries would have been more than welcome at that moment. I said, “We need hangover food.”

Granny said, “Soup?”

Bless her sober little heart.

(p.s. i am fully aware this entry is properly capitalized. i wrote it in Word and copied it and pasted it here. so don't get used to it.)