Saturday, April 30, 2005

The Seven Deadly Sins or A Week in the Life of Jelly

i have mastered very few things in my life, but i think i got this one nailed.

LUST - had lunch with CrushBoy yesterday. i have a 'thing' for guys and forearms. seriously, nice hands and defined forearms make me nuts. CrushBoy has awesome forearms. it was all i could do not to lick him from elbow to wrist. you usually only see those kinds of arms on guitar players or chronic masturbators. so there i am at lunch, trying to be all witty and charming and shit and all the while i am thinking, "do you realize you could SO have me? DO YOU?" (he doesn't)

SLOTH - today is saturday and i have no intention of getting out of my pajamas or even leaving the bedroom for that matter. just try and make me, bitch. it ain't gonna happen.

GLUTTONY - ever seen me demolish a pizza in one sitting? it ain't pretty. it's rated R for scenes of extreme violence and some sexual content (the orgasmic noises i make when dipping the crust into ranch dressing.)

ANGER - yesterday, some jackass in front of me wanted to turn right. at least, that's what i thought he wanted. he apparently, just wanted to sit in traffic for five fucking minutes and wait for the second coming of christ. so i laid on my horn and said horrible things about his mother and the questionable size of his penis.

ENVY - i saw some chick carrying the CUTEST kate spade bag the other day. i stalked her through Target, devising ways to knock her down and steal the purse. it would be the weirdest mugging in history. i would hit her over the head with a 2 liter bottle of sprite, grab the purse, but return the wallet. because i didn't want her money, just the actual purse. i am so going to end up on Yahoo! News of the Weird one of these days. it's just a matter of time, really.

GREED - i see this as kind of a culmination of all the others. i WANT to lock CrushBoy in a room and do things to him that would make his mother cry. i WANT to sit in bed all day and watch "The Wire Season 2" on DVD. i WANT a large pizza with pineapple and bell peppers and some of those awesome potato jalepeno fried things Pizza Hut has been advertising. i WANT to maim and kill any driver that pisses me off. i WANT another kate spade bag.

i bet my family is glad they spent tens of thousands of dollars sending me to catholic schools all those years.

Thursday, April 28, 2005

Without A Hint of Irony

my profile lists my hometown as los angeles. to be more specific, i live in the san fernando valley. yes, that valley. THE Valley. i can "ohmygawd" and "totally" with the best of them.

however, the valley has another claim to fame. over 90% of the nation's porn is produced here. yeah, we are REALLY proud of that.

so, a lot of your fave porn stars reside around here. they grocery shop here, they get their gas here, they buy shoes (clear plastic heels, of course) here. and they get groomed here.

my favorite waxing salon is especially popular with this crowd. this shop pioneered the extreme bikini waxes that are now commonplace all across this great nation.

the first time i went there, i asked for a "regular" bikini wax. nothing fancy, just clean it up so i don't look like a goddamned yeti come swimsuit season.

and that is when i was asked the most horrific question i have ever been asked.

i am laying on the table, legs splayed open, desperately clutching to my last shred of dignity. then, as calmly as you would ask about the weather, she said this:

"so, are we doing the butt today?"

i never, ever in my entire life want to hear that question in any context. never.

however, they did a good job, so i continue to go there.

now, here's my favorite part. this place makes a bajillion dollars by making women (and men, too. but that's a WHOLE other story) as hairless as can be.

the owner of this salon loves bears. not cuddly lil' teddy bears or vacant eyed panda bears. fucking grizzly bears. the whole bathroom is decorated with grizzly bear pics, toilet paper holders, trash cans, etc.

the grizzly bear is the hairiest fucking animal in the universe.

no one there sees the irony in this.

i think they should get an office mascot and it should represent the salon. i think it should be a hairless cat.

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

Why I Have To Buy My Friend A New Vibrator

if you look to the right, you will see that my name is Jelly. this is not my real name (mom was a hippie, but she put the bong down long enough to give me a real name. mom, thank you for not naming me luminous moonbeam, by the way.) but, Jelly is my nickname. family and friends call me Jelly. i get mail addressed to Jelly. i get phone calls asking for Jelly. basically, i answer to Jelly.

now, if you have been to an adult novelty shop (i.e. porn store) lately, you might have noticed that many vibrators have the word Jelly as part of their name because they are made from that pink or purple extremely bendable plastic stuff. there's the Jelly Vibe, the Jelly Wand, and my personal fave, the Jelly Love Monster.

so, last night i am talking to my friend grace (names have been changed to protect the mortified) and she is telling me about this fabulous new vibrator she bought. now, girls know that not all vibrators are created equal and when you find one that really, really, really works for you, well, that's a happy day.

during our conversation this sentence actually came out of her mouth:

"let's just say i had a REALLY good time with my little jelly friend."

as soon as it was out of her mouth and out there in the universe, she realized what she had said. the next thing she said was, "eeewwwwwww!"

obviously, she can never use this vibrator again because it will only make her think of me. now, i may be cute, but grace and i don't swing that way. now she has this $20 vibrator that is about as useful as SPF 2 in the desert.

i think i am now obligated to buy her a jelly free love monster.

Friday, April 22, 2005

Look, It's Kid #3 from That Honey Nut Cheerios Commercial!

there is a phenomenon unique to los angeles. i call it the 'wall of nobodies.'

many local business are decorated with black and white head shots of wannabe actors. dry cleaners, taco bells, liquor stores, etc... these are people trying to make it and i can almost guarn-damn-tee you that you have never seen 99% of these people, ever. occasionally, one might look vaugely familiar. "hey, was shane mccampbell there in that episode of 'saved by the bell' where zach tries to scam mr. belding, but then gets caught, but then zach charms his way out of it in the end?"

now, don't be scared of that 'saved by bell' reference. i don't actually watch the show, but am just a victim of syndication. every american has seen at least three complete episodes whether they ever wanted to or not. go bayside!

anyway, i was in a restaurant today and with the exception of a few local news anchors, every single headshot was of a child actor. it was what i imagine michael jackson's secret bunker in neverland looks like.

these kid's headshots have three basic themes:

1.) straightforward head shot, big smile. BOR-ING!

2.) THE POSE. kid sits on chair. one leg is propped up on an ottoman type thingy, elbow resting on knee, chin resting in palm of hand. most pics fall into this category.

3.) then there is my personal fave. the "I HAVE SO MUCH SPUNK AND ENERGY THAT MY HEAD EXPLODED SIX SECONDS AFTER THIS PIC WAS TAKEN!!!!" shot. oh, dimples poppin', kids a leapin', and the hair's a flyin'. these are the kids whose parents refuse to put them on ritalin just in case they ever have to go to a last minute audition. can't risk little dakota being anything less than PERKY.

i have never understood the reasoning of the business owners that hang this crap in their establishments. i may not know a lot about decorating, but i am pretty sure the queer eye guys never approved "losers in black and white" as an acceptable motif.

and the actors (or stage moms) that hand these pics over to be displayed. do they really think that some casting director is going to be in line waiting for his Enchirito, his eyes will wander and he will suddenly spot their precious bailey and shout, "yes, that's her! she, and only she, will be the star of my 'home alone' remake!"

and what happens five or ten years down the road? the kid that never made it. puberty hit and was not kind. he's now a lanky, pimply 17 year old drama geek. he wanders into a liqour store to buy cigarettes and looks up only to be faced with all of his broken dreams and dashed hopes. oh, the shame he must feel.

god, i would love to be there for that moment.

Thursday, April 21, 2005

This Is Me Hating You

today as i was walking back to work from my lunch break i saw this tall, beautiful, THIN woman walking towards me.

as usual, my first thought was, "i hate her." not a very feminist statement to be sure, but i can't help it. i have been engaged in horrific battle with my ever expanding ass for many years. right now, my ass is winning.

it 's just not fair. why me? why can't i have a functioning metabolism? i'm a good person, don't i deserve at least that much?

that's it! she must not be a nice person. i bet she kicks puppies. look at those pointy toed black boots. what's the point of such pointy shoes if not to kick puppies? i bet her drivers license even says Lizzie Borden VonPuppyKicker.

and i bet when she goes to visit her grandmother, she hides granny's things and makes her think she is going senile. just for laughs.

and i bet she steals babies from distracted mothers when she goes to the mall. and then she sells the babies to a baby eating demon. just like on that episode of 'buffy the vampire slayer.'

and last time she went to disneyland, this little boy slipped and fell right in front of her, and instead of helping him up, she just looked at him and laughed so hard she almost peed her pants. oh wait, that was me. ok, but you didn't see it. it was really funny.

but i bet she knows where osama is hiding and she's just not telling. and that's WAY worse than laughing at a little boy landing on his ass two feet in front of you.

yeah, she's a horrible person. i can just tell.

but the bitch is still a size four.

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

Betty Crocker Has Left the Building

today's unholy smell is brought to you by my fridge.

honestly, i open the thing maybe once every 3 weeks. i opened it last night to put in the leftovers from my lovely restaurant made meal.

the smell that hit me was satanic. and being the professional slackass that i am, rather than actually *gasp* clean the fridge and dispose of whatever had mutated in there, i tossed in the white styrofoam container and shut the door before i passed out from the fumes.

i almost never cook. why should i when take out is so much easier? i am a busy, on the go gal. i got things to do, people.

now granted, i CAN cook, kinda. i can follow a recipe and make something that barely meets the definition of 'edible.' barely.

how did it come this, you might be asking yourself? actually, you are more than likely asking yourself. "why i am reading this chick's blog when i could be surfing for free porn or researching my family tree online?" and if those two activites are one and the same, my condolences. back to my point.

i live alone for the most part. and cooking for one, for lack of a better word, sucks. but, let's say i am feeling ambitious and decide to make a casserole.

ok, so i go to the store and spend $40 on 'ingredients' because we know i have nothing in my fridge. back home, i spend 90 minutes making said casserole. and it's edible, barely. then i have to spend another 20 minutes doing dishes. so far i have invested $40.56 (the 56 cents is for the bandaids i used after damn near slicing a finger off because the bell pepper got away from me.) and 110 minutes on this damned meal.

now i have 'leftovers.' i figure i should eat these 'leftovers' and get most out my investment.

Diary of a Leftover Casserole

Day 1 - still edible. maybe even a little better than last night because the flavors have had a chance to infuse themselves. (i picked up that phrase from the food network. don't i sound like a chef now?)

Day 2 - ugh. do i have to eat this crap again? who's bright idea was it to fucking cook?

Day 3 - seriously, i would kill my dog for a big mac.

Day 4 - the casserole mocks me.

Day 5 - casserole has grown a head. when i open the fridge, the casserole screams at me, "shut the damn door! you are letting out all the cold air, bitch!" casserole has a potty mouth.

Day 6 - "hello, pizza hut? i would like to order one large pizza with pineapple. you know the address."

it's obvious no man is ever going to marry me for my cooking skills. thank god i am good in bed.

Monday, April 18, 2005

Asian Fascination Claims Another Victim

i have been lusting after CrushBoy for MONTHS now. it's hardcore lust. i look at him and i just want to jump on him and shimmy my way to the top. but alas, i fear i have as much chance with him as monica lewinsky has of ever being able to smoke a cigar in public without getting heckled.

see, he has made more than one comment that leads me to believe he only goes for asian chicks. and i ain't asian.

it's a frighteningly common condition. every girl i know, myself included, has been dumped for the asian chick at least once. i have asked my male friends about this. what's the appeal?

always the same answer, "they're kinky."

"kinky how?"

"they're just kinky. they do things other girls won't."

and that's all they will say.

so, let's examine this. my girlfriends and i are excruciatingly honest with each other. (yes fellas, size does matter. and we describe it in detail to each other. deal with it.) so, i know what my girls and i will and won't do. and i have to say, we are some pretty slutty girls.

which leads me to the inevitable conclusion....asian chicks are taking it up the ass.

seriously, that's the only thing we don't do. we have tried it and HATED it. guys tell us to relax and it won't hurt. that level of relaxation can only be acheived with horse tranquilizers. and personally, i don't want to participate in any sexual act that requires general anethsia.

that's got to be it. because i look at asian chicks and i don't see where they are any prettier than white girls, mexican girls, black girls, etc..

actually, i think their body type might have something to do with it, too. generally, they have no tits, no ass and no hips. their physique is that of a 12 year old boy.

so, all these guys are lusting after these little boy bodies and they want to fuck them in the ass. that's my theory, and i'm sticking to it.

no, i'm not bitter. i swear.

Friday, April 15, 2005

How gay is TOO gay?

driving home today, i glance in my rearview mirror and the guy behind me is singing along with whatever he is listening to. and he was singing with GUSTO. i'm talking jazz hands and everything!

his stereo is so loud i can almost hear it clearly. so i turn off my stereo because at this point i am dying to know what he is listening to that is oh-so fabulous

it was a sam harris album. for those of you that don't know who sam harris is, he is the little fella that won the male singer competition on the first season of 'star search.' he was the munchkin in the converse sneakers and tuxedo jacket. ok, now that we are all up to speed.

this guy in the car behind me was too gay to be liza minelli's next ex husband.

much like one of my gay boyfriends, brent. brent is always on me to audition for 'the amazing race' with him.

i tell him, "honey, the first night we have to sleep in a train station, you would throw a full blown, JLo-esque diva fit. and i'm a pack a day smoker, so can you just see me wheezing my fat ass up the side of some atzec temple? i would pass out before we made it to the zipline."

when i met brent, i knew immediately he was gay. nothing flaming obvious to the average bear, but living in los angeles, your gaydar gets fairly fine tuned. he never told me he was gay, or mentioned a boyfriend or anything, but i just knew.

flash forward a few weeks into the friendship

i made mention of his homosexuality, and he squealed, "how did you know?"

i love him

Thursday, April 14, 2005

well, if nothing else, they make me feel productive

just seen on the news

approx 40 people in san diego protesting outside a local tv station

are they protesting an overzealous reporter who showed a dead body just to make their story that much more titillating?

no

are they protesting a station's refusal to carry a controversial program for fear of offending some small minded idiots?

no

are they protesting the overusage of the bullshit word "stormwatch" every time it so much as freakin' drizzles here in sunny so cal?

no

they are protesting the decision to have cookie monster promote healthier eating habits

fucking morons

From Zero to Bitch in 3 Seconds

normally, i am a fairly mild mannered, even tempered woman

but put a steering wheel in my hands and the transformation is instantaneous - i become a seething, rage filled, she demon with a mouth like a trucker - i would flip off my own grandmother if she were in front of me going 50 on the freeway

here's a sampling of some of the things that have flown out of my mouth recently while driving

*upon seeing a driver that OBVIOUSLY had no passengers zip past me in the carpool lane
"you better have a body in the trunk, asshole!"

*to the jerkwad in the hummer that cut me off
"sorry about the small dick, but can't you learn how to use a turn signal?!?"

*directed at the moron in the suv on his cell phone that slammed on his brakes FOR NO REASON
"your mother lied. you are not special. hang up the phone, scooter!"

these were all screamed at decibels only dogs could hear - i will actually arrive at my destination wondering why i have a sore throat

if they would just let me drink and drive, i don't think i would have this problem

truly

The Epitome of Subtle. Yup, That's Me.

i went to walgreen's with the intention of buying ice and hair dye ONLY.

i left with ice, hair dye, kraft mac and cheese, the new issue of 'cosmo', doritos and not one, but two pints of ice cream (banana split and cookies and cream in case you were wondering)

next time i will just walk in with a tshirt that says

'why yes, i *am* on period, thank you for asking'

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

Rogain Farts

today's unholy smell is emanating from my own ass

breakfst - bean burrito
lunch - mexican food - cheese enchilada and a double order of refried beans
afternoon snack - deviled eggs

the toxic fumes shooting out of my ass could make a bald man regrow his hair

i was sitting on the couch and let one rip. the dog whipped his head around to look at me, narrowed his eyes and all but said, "that is dis-guuuuuuust-ing!" he hopped off the couch, gave one last condescending look and sought refuge in the backyard.

it's gotten to the point where i am now running to the bathroom, letting it fly and coming back to my bedroom in order to escape the smell.

at times like this i am really glad i am single. if i had to hold this in so as not to offend a significant other, i fear my lower intestine would explode like an overinflated tire.

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

Catching a nice buzz

2nd martini of the night

now you might be thinking, "Second one and she's lit?"

Well, when you make the martini in a Big Gulp cup, that second one can really kick your ass.

i'm never leaving my bedroom ever again

i got wireless internet today

i now have tivo, my phone and my laptop in bedroom

now, if i could just find someone to deliver martinis, i would never leave again

oh well, at least this way i won't get bedsores

Thursday, April 07, 2005

I Must Stop Thinking like a Perv

i just want to do naughty things to CrushBoy


things so naughty, it would make larry flynt blush

It's Been A Pretty good Day so Far

my least favorite person on my most favorite messageboard can no longer post because her computer shuts downs whenever she tries to post - further proof of god's existence

the new issue of knitty.com is up today

so, aside from this killer hangover, not a bad day