What is it about 3am that makes me think I need every product shown on every informercial? Every infomercial I see, I am convinced that my life will be incomplete unless I own the latest, bestest toy. Except for the midgets hawking the real estate package. They scare me. They scare me bad.
You think I would have learned my lesson with the pancake flipper from 2003. I was CONVINCED that was the secret to curing my inability to make pancakes. THIS was the product that would allow me to enjoy pancakes whenever I wanted, not just when I went to Denny’s. I would finally master the art of the pancake. The year it came out I begged and pleaded with my family and convinced them that I would just DIE if I didn’t get one for my birthday.
I got one. And guess what? I still can’t make a fucking pancake to save my life. And it only allows you to make one pancake at a time. So I ended up with one room temp burned pancake and one piping hot burned pancake. Hey, I never claimed this was Jelly’s House of Haute cuisine.
Once again I fell prey to siren song of the overly enthusiastic, CALL NOW OR HATE YOURSELF LATER! 30 minute commercial. This time it was the Spin Spa. The promise of an exfoliating machine was more than I could resist. See, I am not an amateur exfoliator. Oh no, I gave up my Olypmic standing years ago. I am a PROFESSIONAL exfoliator. I have scrubby gloves, back brushes, loofahs and body scrubs coming out of my ears. Speaking of ears, I even exfoliate behind my ears. That’s commitment, baby.
The Spin Spa is like a back brush with 5 detachable heads. It comes with scrubby brush heads, micro dermabrasion brush heads, pumice heads and massaging heads. When I first saw the infomercial my vision got a little blurry and my heart started racing. Was it possible? All my exfoliating dreams come true in one nifty package for only $19.95? It was like xmas, my birthday and John Mayer’s birthday all wrapped into one sweet, sweet package.
So I ordered it and every single day, I raced home and checked my mail. After 3 weeks of waiting, it finally came. Oh, happy day. I tore that package open and beheld the glory that is the Spin Spa. The glory was short lived.
I installed the batteries and hopped into the shower with my new toy. (That sentence could have such a dirty double entendre. If you had a filthy mind. Which I don’t.) I attached the micro dermabrasion head and went to work on my face. The problem is the micro derm head is HUGE and my face is not. It felt like I was scrubbing my face with a plate.
The spinning action was a little slow for my tastes, quite frankly. I am a VIGOROUS exfoliator and this thing was spinning at the speed of molasses. But I made do and kept spinning.
Ok, no worries. Onto the body scrubber head. I am in the shower, so I am naked, wet and vulnerable. After a minute of scrubbing, the head came flying off and whacked me in a very naked, wet and vulnerable place.
Never being one to give up, I moved on to the pumice head. Now this one was actually quite useful and is the only reason I am keeping the damn machine. It works great on my feet and because of the length of the machine, I don’t have to do pretzel contortions in the shower to get to my feet.
When will learn that informercial products can never live up to the heady promises they make? Probably after I order that new pasta cooker that looks like a big tube and cooks the pasta without ever having to touch a stove.
And apropos of nothing, this is my 100th blog entry.