Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Country CrapFest

i am generally not a fan of country music. however, i do like garth brooks and a few songs of reba's. and THAT IS IT. the rest is just twangy, schmaltzy, emotionally manipulative CRAP. absolute crap. when i die and go to hell, my iPod will only play Patsy Cline. that is going to be my punishment for making fun of fat girls in skinny clothes. and i am prepared for that.

the other day, i was channel surfing and came across the Country Music network. now, i would not even have known this channel part of my cable package, but they had a show with John Mayer on it and my Tivo picked it up. good Tivo. good Tivo.

i saw a video by a "band" called Rascal Flatts. i think the song was called "Skin" but i don't care enough to google it and find out for sure. now, country music videos have ZERO imagination and they merely recreate the song. yawn. this one in particular was especially nauseating. the song is about a young girl that gets cancer, loses her hair and dreams of going to her prom. i have seen Lifetime movies with more depth than this shit. in the video we see the girl get the diagnosis, lose her hair and then her prom date picks her up and he has shaved his head in solidarity with her so she will not feel so awkward.

now, one of the many, many problems i had with this video was how they depicted the girl. she looked exactly the same at the beginning as she did at the end, only bald. they did not even try to make her look sicker, thinner, etc... basically, she looked like a bald female beach volleyball player. it's like they want to tug at your heartstrings, but in too realistic a way, because apparently, THAT would be a buzzkill. it was so fucking stupid it put me right off my Hot Pocket.

further viewing of this network lead to further bullshit. these country music stars try oh so hard to depict a "i'm just a down to earth good ol' boy" image. they are all about the "i am just like you, america." illusion. dude, you make 45 gazillion dollars a year. i am guessing you have not scrubbed your own toilet in 12 years. shut the hell up and let me get back to clipping Lean Cuisine coupons.

the heart of america, my ass.

Thursday, February 23, 2006

Hearts, Candy and Prison Rape

by nature, i am not a romantic gal. flowers and candy do nothing for me. and the thought of a long walk on the beach makes me think more about sand fleas than romance. you wanna make my heart flutter? buy me yarn. wanna get me naked? buy me a kate spade purse. that's the way to my obviously two sizes too small heart.

so, naturally, my reading selection DOES NOT include romance novels. i prefer true crime, memoirs and essays. and occasionally, some good angst ridden fiction. i recently started reading the "Outlander" series by Diana Gabaldon. and i am hooked like a junkie let loose in a pharmacy. the story centers around a woman in 1945 that time travels back to 1745. and, yes, she does fall in love along the way, but the books are so much more than a love story. the characters are vivid and the writing is superb.

however, these books are classified as Romance and now i find myself skulking around the Romance section of the bookstore buying these books. i run in, do a quick scan, find the next book in the series and bolt out to the Social Sciences section before anyone spots me in there. i want to order the rest of the series thru Amazon just to avoid the dreaded Romance section, but then my "Amazon Recommendations for You" will include books with oily, muscled men and heaving bosoms on the cover and that might piss me off more. it's a lose/lose situation, i fear.

but maybe i am being judgemental. at the end of the first book, one of the characters describes, in vivid detail, the anal rape he suffered while imprisoned. and i do mean VIVID detail. so, if that makes this a Romance novel, maybe all those other books aren't so bad. if i can find a novel that outlines Fabio's anal rape and degredation, i might just spend more time in the Romance section.

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

So I Was Wrong About the Mittelschmerz

that horrid pain last week that i chalked up to my Mittelschmerz. not so much it turns out. it was kidney stones. now, let me tell you, that is an experience that i WOULD wish on my worst enemy. i was praying for the release of sweet, sweet death. i would rather get my tongue tattooed than EVER live thru that again. and not one of those outline, easy tattoos. no, i am talking about a full on, colored in dragon tattoo with flames and everything. what kind of sick joke is mother nature playing? peeing out a pebble? that's just wrong on every level.

when the pain started, i thought it was a bladder infection. but then it got worse. so i Googled my symptoms and came to the conclusion that i either had kidney stones or an enlarged prostate. kidney stones seemed most likely. then i got really scared. see, i saw pics of some kidney stones. some of those little fuckers had JAGGED EDGES. that just makes your private parts pucker, doesn't it?

in order to stave off another episode of my body passing a geological specimen, i have drunk approximately 12,567 gallons of water in the last week. this is not fun.

so, now, whenever someone pisses me off i look at them and hex them with The Curse of Kidney Stones. so you better mind your p's and q's around me.

Monday, February 13, 2006

Oy Vey, My Mittelschmerz Is Acting Up Again

i guess chronic, stabbing pain in my side isn't too bad if it has a fun name like mittelschmerz. for those of you not in the know, that's painful ovulation. emphasis on the "painful."

couple this with the fact that my body has a VERY strong urge to procreate during ovulation (ok, yes, i was horny. but i didn't want to come out and say that because sometimes my mom reads my blog to my granny. so, mom, when you do read her this one, skip the parentheticals, ok?) so i spent the majority of the day popping motrins like tic tacs and oogling men on the street.

the mittelschmerz is like mother nature getting even with me. i don't get cramps and my periods are usually fairly light and manangeable. but ovulating is a BITCH. i mean. REALLY, how big is this egg my body is trying to pass? is it like a jumbo AA farm fresh egg? god, now i know how a chicken feels. no wonder they are always so peckish. (god, i slay me.)

you really did want to know this much about me, didn't you?

Saturday, February 11, 2006

Pass The Disinfectant, STAT!

mom and i strolled into Brookstone today. they are the home of all things useless but lustworthy. Roombas, massage chairs and squishy pillows galore. i don't even know how they stay in business, because whenever i go in there all i see is people lounging in the massage chairs, but no one is ever buying anything.

you always have to wait to get into the massage chairs because they are all occupied. and it chaps my ass when i see a 12 year old hogging up one of the good chairs. for god's sake, skippy, you are 12, how knotted up and stressed out can you be?

today, i pateintly waited my turn (no, really, it's true) and plopped my happy ass into one of the deluxe $4000 massage chairs. oh, baby! i loved this one so much i am going to name it Ricky and marry it. full body massage, head to toe and you don't even have to get naked and touched by a big woman named Helga. anything that can help me avoid getting naked in front of strangers is always a good thing. i have naked issues, you know.

but, before we walked into the store, we looked in the window and saw this new, uber cool foot massager thingy. it massages your feet and lower legs. well, it was uber cool until we saw the display model. some old dude was using it. he had slipped off his sandals and stuck his bare feet in there. ugly, gnarled, dirty old man feet. complete with nasty yellow toe nails. *gack*

so consider this your PSA for the day. skip the foot massager. unless you want athlete's foot. and if you do, go ahead, knock yourself out. but none for me, thanks.

Sunday, February 05, 2006

Free Gift with Purchase?

yesterday, i went to my local Blockbuster to rent a few movies. because it was Saturday night and i have no life. so, i get "Hustle&Flow," "The Aristocrats," and "The 40 Year Old Virgin." i watched the virgin movie first and it was funny. not "pee your pants, crack a rib laughing" funny, but i chuckled a few times.

then i decide to watch "Hustle&Flow" because i wanted a feel good movie. so, i open the DVD case and find a toy surprise in this one.

yup, somebody left weed in the DVD case.

i suppose i should just be glad there wasn't a used condom in "The 40 Year Old Virgin" case.

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

Jelly, Interrupted

they talk a lot. they talk all the time. they talk like it was on olympic event. they never stop talking. and by "they" i mean "my family." they will talk right over you like you never opened your mouth. and by "you" i mean "me."

i grew up in a family of talkers. if they have something to say, by god, they are going to say it. and in that environment, you either sink or swim. i sunk. i never learned how to keep talking and make myself heard. this could be an actual conversation in my house:

jelly: "oh my god. my hair is ON FIRE! someone call 9-1-"

granny: "did i tell you what the neighbor did? he had the nerve to put his trash cans in my driveway and leave them there for 2 days. i am going to report him!"

jelly: "me. hair. fire."

granny: "i tell you, one of these days i am going to put my trash cans in his driveway and leave them there for THREE days. just let him tell me something!"

as a result of this, i have developed the really bad habit of repeating myself. especially if what i just said has not been acknowledged. i know this is really annoying, but i just can't seem to stop.

as a result of this, i have developed the really bad habit of repeating myself. especially if what i just said has not been acknowledged. i know this is really annoying, but i just can't seem to stop.

i bet if i won the lotto, they would hear that! and when i do win that big jackpot, my first purchase is going to be a megaphone.