Monday, March 27, 2006

Tears of a Clown

next to me are 8, yes, count them, 8, soggy, sodden, snot filled kleenex. now you are probably asking yourself, what brought on such a crying jag?

did someone near and dear to me pass away?

no.

did i lose my left hand in a tragic paper shredding accident, thus rendering me unable to knit ever again?

no.

did someone change the constitution so that bush can now run for a 3rd term?

no.

i just finished watching "Billy Elliot" for the 3,872nd time. and i cried just as hard as i did the first 3,871 times. i start blubbering about an hour into that movie and just do not stop. if you ever want me to burst into tears on the spot, just utter this one line. when Billy is leaving, and his little gay friend, Michael, stands on the wall and yells, "Oy! Dancing boy!" at that point i am crying so hard that i lose my vision and stop breathing.

sounds a little dramatic, i know, but i have always had strong reactions to sad movies. and even some not so sad ones. when i was little i HAD TO see every Benji movie. and my mother dreaded those movies like paris hilton dreads a pap smear. i would just BAWL all the way thru those movies. and she would sit there with me in the theater, passing me kleenex and apologizing the other moviegoers around us for the spectacle i was making. the worst was "For the Love of Benji." you know, the one where the family goes to greece, and benji gets lost, and no one will feed him, and he meets a little girly dog, and she becomes his little girlfriend, and he steals the sausage from the outdoor market so she can eat, and the whole time the bad guy wants to put an evil computer chip in benji's lil paw? you know, that one. shit, i teared up just writing that.

the worst i ever embarasseed her was at "E.T." i was about 12 years old and my older brother had already seen the movie. he knew mom was taking me to see it and he felt honor bound to warn her. he told, "mom, i hate to ruin the movie for you, but there is something you have to know. ET is going to die and Jelly is going to lose her mind. but, you have to tell her that he will come back to life."

mom thanked him for the heads up, and we went on our merry way.

yup, sure enough, ET dies and i am in FULL BLOWN HYSTERICS. i am talking heaving body sobs and almost screaming. my mom leans over and tries to whisper to me, "it's ok. he is going to live. he will be ok. your brother told me. it's going to be ok." (please note that these are not my memories, this is only what i have been told because i was SO FUCKING HYSTERICAL that i honestly have no memory of any this.) so, she is trying to whisper this to me to calm me down, but she doesn't want anyone else to hear.

this is when the usher comes down the aisle and asks my mom if she needs to remove me from the theater. my mom assures him that she has this under control (yeah, right) and she pinches me HARD to get my attention and tell me that ET is going to live. at some point, it must have sank in and i calmed down.

and then we get to the end of movie and ET leaves, phones home and all that. and i am right back to square one. i was EXHAUSTED when that movie was over.

that was more than 20 years ago, and i can't say i have gotten much better. at least i have learned to watch the sad movies at home. and that is partly due to vanity. see, i am not one of these women that looks beautiful, haunted and tragic when she cries. nope. my whole face turns red, my eyes swell shut into little slits and my nose just does not stop running. oh so pretty.

thank god for Netflix is all i'm saying.