Friday, April 28, 2006

I Am SO Over Today

it's not even 8:30am and i am ready to call it quits today. it's just been "one of those mornings." and now i am going to whine about it, so if you have a low whining threshold, you might want to skip over this and just go directly to and look at puppies.

technically, i should have been able to sleep an extra 30 minutes this morning. somehow, my dog did not get cc'ed on that memo. at 6:15am she was beating the crap out of me because she wanted to get an early start on her day of chewing bits of wood off the side of my house, tormenting her sister and licking herself inappropriately. so, she bumps me with her nose. now, this is not a gentle, loving nudge. no, she does her impersonation of a battering ram and puts all her weight behind it. repeatedly. until i wake up, stumble to the doors and let her out. so, great, there goes my plan to sleep in. i figure i am already up, so i might as well get ready for work. that was fairly uneventful. thank god.

until i get to my car and realize i forgot to bring out the trash. so i grab my car keys AND my house keys and go back inside to get the trash bag. mission accomplished and keys in hand, i close the front door behind me. and .0008 seconds after that door closed, i realized my house keys were not in my hand. only my car keys.

"oh, no problem." i think, "i'll just grab the spare keys that we keep in the (blank)" *that's me trying to be all safety conscious and stealth. i am not about to tell the world where we keep those spare keys. someone might come in and steal my yarn, then i would be REALLY pissed.*

so, i go to (blank) and the keys aren't there. which means they are probably inside the house doing me not a whole hell of a lot of good. brilliant. i figure i will just go to work and deal with the key situation later tonight when i get home.

off on my less than merry little way, i swing into DelTaco just like i do every morning and order the exact same thing i order every morning. i understand that drive thru speakers aren't exactly Dolby Sound, so i always make sure to enunciate as clearly as possible. this is a wasted effort on my part. i could scream into the speaker, "PARIS HILTON IS A DISEASED WHORE!" and i have an equal chance of getting what i ordered.

for the last five days straight, yes, FIVE DAYS IN A FREAKIN' ROW, this moron has fucked up my order. and it's not that hard and it's not like i am special ordering anything. it's very simple. a small green burrito and a medium diet soda. that is EXACTLY how i order it every morning. and every morning he repeats it back to me as, "a small green burrito and a small coke." and every morning i dream about shoving a hot poker up his ass.

so, we go back and forth for a few minutes with the "i ordered a MEDIUM DIET soda." and the "you want a small coke?" routine that we do. at this point i am sure i am on candid camera, but they are never going to be able to use the footage because i am obviously thisclose to jumping out of my car, wriggling thru the drive thru window and shoving this guy's balls into the deep fryer. you want hot sauce with THAT, asshole?

if anyone is looking for me, i plan on spending the rest of the day under my desk, in the fetal position, sucking on a bottle of Stoli.

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Why I Need Therapy: Reason 45,296

my granny is 76 years old. she is an energetic, sharp, vibrant 76 years old. but she's not what the media would have you believe. she's not one of those comical grannies like you see in the movies who talks about snoop dog and and internet dating, but she's pretty cool nonetheless.

i enjoy spending time with her and just hanging out. she taught me everything i know about gambling and quite frankly, she has a more happening social life than i do. it's not unusual to talk to her late sunday morning and find out she slept in because she went to not one, but two parties the night before. yes, she's quite the social butterfly.

then there are days where i wish i was adopted.

recently she got one of those fancy Craftmatic type beds that has the massager, heat and adjustable settings. actually, she got it from her mother who turned 100 years old last week. her mother is in a rest home now, so granny got this almost new bed from her. anyway, i was at her house and i was trying out all the bells and whistles on the bed. i was laying there futzing with the remote control and i remarked that this bed was just a fancier version of those vibrating beds that you find in cheap motels. that's when she decided to tell me a story and i decided to go to the happy place in my head.

she said, "one time, your grandfather and i were at a motel that had one of those vibrating beds-"

"granny, please stop talking."

"-and i put two quarters in the machine-"

"granny, please, i am begging you. stop."

"-and nothing happened-"

"granny, did you hear that noise? that was the sound of my mind snapping."

"-but then, at one in the morning, all of a sudden, it kicked in-"

"someone. anyone. please kill me now. my granny is telling me about her and my grandfather and a vibrating bed in a motel. i want to die."

"-and it just scared us half to death."

"help me."

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Random Crap That Is Pissing Me Off Today

1.) i can't believe i even have to say this, but 55 year old white women CANNOT pull off cornrows. and this isn't some random rule i just pulled out of my ass. no, i actually saw this with my own two eyes today. and the cornrows even had the cheesy, brightly colored plastic beads at the end of them. this look didn't work on bo derek 20 years ago and it sure as hell doesn't work now. ten years from now, this woman is gonna get a bitchin' new haircut called the Rachel and she will just think she is the shit!

2.) people, shut the fuck up about the price of gas. if i hear one more person bitch about the price of gas i am going to start huffing it. then, the constant whining will fade into the background like the sound of the charlie brown teacher, WOHM WOHM WOHM, and i can live in peace once again. i mean, really, is it putting that big a dent in your pocketbook? i fill up once a week, and i put in about 10 gallons. so, even if gas SHOOTS up 30 cents per gallon, that only an extra 3 bucks a week. and i ain't sweating 3 bucks. if that extra 3 bucks is really crimping your budget, here's an idea, skippy.....cut back on the 4 dollar starbucks venti latte double foam no whip soy frappucino grandes. and why is no one bitching about the price of starbucks? that stuff is like 40 bucks a gallon.

3.) for over a year now, my friend, Jen, has been bugging me to learn to knit socks so i can knit her some. i didn't want to because i hate double pointed knitting needles and well, they looked hard. but, i finally caved and knit my first pair last week. OH.MY.GOD. they are SO much fun! and of course, being the overly enthusiastic knitter that i am, i have spent $100 on sock yarn in the last week. i will be knitting socks for months. and the irony? i wear open toed shoes 360 days a year. guess what everyone is getting for xmas?

4.) if i barely know and/or barely like you, don't call me "dear" or "sweetie." and don't do it every 5 seconds. it sets my teeth on edge, then i start fantasizing about ways to torture you with a hot mop and lose track of the conversation at hand. then you have to repeat everything, and in the process, you will call me "dearie" ten more times and so the vicious cycle begins.

5.) if you are at a casino, and there is a smoking and a non smoking section, and you are a non smoker who CHOOSES to sit in the smoking section, DO NOT , i repeat, DO NOT sit next me, doing the fake cough, waving your hands in front of your face, glaring at my marlboro the whole time. that doesn't make me put out my smoke. it just makes me chain smoke. and then i will follow you from slot machine to slot machine, puffing away the whole time. yeah, i'm a bitch like that.

6.) SUV'S ARE NOT COMPACT CARS AND DO NOT FIT IN COMPACT SPACES. hey, asshole, no one forced you to buy a car the size of my house. go park in a space that is big enough for your tank and leave the rest of us law abidding citizens alone. ooooo, you have to walk an extra thirty yards to get from the back of the lot to the front door of the grocery store? boo freakin' hoo. next time, buy a VW bug. and these are the same dipshits that are complaining about the high price of gas. you all have pissed me off so much, you made it onto today's list twice. and if your hair is cornrowed, then you have set a new world's record by being on here 3 times. but don't feel bad. i have enough petty hatred to go around.

Thursday, April 13, 2006

Oy,These Kids and Their Music!!

my post the other day about JackFM got me to thinking about music in general and i realized that i really have no clue what is going on in popular music today, for the most part. i tend to listen to my Duran Duran Greatest Hits cd and maybe some Thompson Twins to shake things up. see, even when i try to listen to popular music on the radio, it seems i am stymied. hand to god, everytime i turn on our Star radio station they are playing that godawful "You're Beautiful" song. that's this year's love song? is this the song all the frat boys are learning to play on guitar so they can use it to dupe drunk freshmen girls out of their virginity? it's the musical equivalent of CheezWhiz. it's manufactured for the masses, processed and provides instant gratification. but no one remembers that awesome Jalepeno CheezWhiz they had five years ago.just like no one will remember this song in five years.

so, i scampered over to iTunes to see what the top songs are nowadays. and i am kind of sorry i did. "Unwritten" by Natasha Somebody. oh, just shoot me now. i hate that supposedly motivational crap. i guarantee you right now, the next time we see that song it will be in some horrible teen movie. it's too mellow to be used during an "athlete in training to win the big game" montage, but i could see it being used in some movie about a nerdy girl who comes out of her shell, becomes a sexy little minx, all while still leading the Mathletes to victory. that song would SO be played during her "makeover/studying" montage.

then there is "Bad Day" by Daniel Powter. isn't this the song they play on American Idol when someone gets booted off the show? let's see, your ONE BIG chance at stardom is GONE! POOF! you are now on the fast-track to "Reality TV Has Been" status. you will forever be known as the singer that was WORSE than Ace. so, yeah, i guess you could say you had a "bad day."

at the bottom of the list, but still on the Top Ten is "Beep" by the Pussycat Dolls. god, the talent, the emotions, the vocal ranges, the years these girls must have spent taking voice lessons and training and opera and choir. they MUST have graduated from Julliard, no? i'm sorry? what? they didn't? shocking. just shocking. oh, they trained at the "gentleman's club" by the airport.? my bad.

the current state of pop music today just sucks ass. it really does. ten years ago, we had some great songs. "You Oughta Know" by Alanis Morrisette. i mean, that is THE SINGLE GREATEST BREAKUP SONG IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD. there are a million "oh, baby, i can't live without you. why did you break my heart?" songs. but this was the first song to really tap into the rage of a breakup. the part of you that would pay good money to see your ex burned alive in an industrial accident. it taps into the part of you drives around the streets near his house, hoping you see him, just so you can run his sorry ass over. THAT is great music, people.

am i the only one that remembers and still listens to the band Live? "Lightning Crashes" ringing a bell for you there? hands down, the greatest song ever to use the word 'placenta' in the lyrics. don't think i'm right? i dare you to find a better song with that word in it. it can't be done.

remember when No Doubt was new and Gwen was cute in that skater girl way? i miss those days. now she is this fashion icon, carrying Gavin's baby and she has that weird Japanese posse. and what's this fucking song she sings about "If I Were A Rich Girl?" bitch, you ARE rich. and i don't appreciate you rubbing it in my face like that. and i'm sorry gwen, but if i hear "Hollaback Girl" one more time, i will drive my car into a brick wall just to make it stop. it's not a song, it's a fucking cheer. there is a difference.

*jelly walks away humming "The Reflex"*

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

She Doesn't Understand "SIT" But Dick Jokes, Those She Understands

of the Two Assasins, aka my dogs Daphne and Roxie, only one of them really watches tv and that's Roxie. and not just when there are other dogs on tv. no, she is also enthralled by American Justice and one day i found her watching Columbo. she is very interested in tv and i think i caught her reprogramming my TiVo the other day. well, i sure as hell don't recall recording Footballer's Wives, so it must have been her. she obviously has a taste for the dramatic.

now, Daphne on the other hand. rarely pays attention to the tv. i think she is more the literary type, maybe. while i am at work all day she composes haikus extolling the virtues of kibble and Nylabones. then she eats the haikus. so, i never actually see the poetry, but i have to believe she has talents other than stealing my socks out of the laundry basket.

anywho, last night i was on the couch watching "An Evening With Kevin Smith." this is not the first time i have seen it, but it was Daphne's first time. because i have heard it before i was not laughing out loud or doing anything else that Daphne would be reacting to. i was sitting quietly and knitting. she, on the other hand, was RIVETED by him, just RIVETED. her eyes never left the screen.

at one point, Kevin Smith is telling the story of the first time her had sex with his now wife. and in classic Kevin Smith style, it's detailed and raunchy. when he gets to the part about his wife dry humping him so hard that the zipper in his jeans mangled his dick, that's when Daphne started wildly wagging her tail and barking at the tv. it takes Kevin about 6 minutes to tell the story and the whole time she is wag wag wagging her tail. i mean, i have to applaud her good taste as i am obviously a Kevin Smith fan myself, but the dick jokes? really? that's what floats her boat?

if i come tonight to find her watching my "Clerks" DVD she is going to be in big trouble.

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Getting Jacked

a little over a year ago, we got a new radio station in los angeles called JackFM. i know they are starting them in other cities all over the country, so if you have one, you know the joy that is Jack. if you don't, well it sucks to be you.

this station plays the most scizophrenic mix of music, but it is all songs you love. within one hour you will exclaim at least 4 times, "oh my god! i LOVE that song! i haven't heard it in forever!"

on a recent morning, they played these songs back to back:

girls, girls, girls by motley crue
true by spandau ballet
heard it thru the grapevine by marvin gaye
livin' on a prayer by bon jovi
nothing compares 2 u by sinead oconner

this is just MADNESS! on a scale of one to Courtney Love, they get an eight!

so many of these songs just take me RIGHT BACK to very particular times in my life. the other day they played "welcome to the jungle" and that song IS my senior year of high school. it is me and my friends ditching school (sorry, mom), driving around hollywood blvd, smoking cigarettes and listening to heather tell us all about her sex life. hey, mom, at least i was still a virgin and just living vicariously thru her. take your pride where you can find it.

then there is "the boy with the thorn in his side" by The Smiths. oh my god, that is me at 15, listening to that album on my turntable, clutching the record sleeve and just SOBBING because no one understood my teen agnst like Morrissey. he REALLY REALLY understood me.

which of course, takes us directly to "blasphemous rumours" by Depeche Mode. oh, that song was just so deep. the girl wants to commit suicide and then she finds a reason to live and gets hit by a bus and ends up on a life support machine. oh, the tragedy, the pathos, the PAIN. it was just SO VERY philosophical. we didn't need Socrates, we had Depeche mode. ok, it was the 80's, i was 16, that was as deep as i got.

on to happier times....."end of the innocence" by don henley. (mom STOP READING NOW and DO NOT read this to granny) ah yes, that song is me making out with the hottest guy i ever dated. and we were both stone cold sober, so i have no clue why he was dating me, but i didn't ask too many questions. i was just enjoying the ride. we didn't actually have sex, and god knows, if we had, my head would have actually burst into flames. memories of that night got me thru many a dry spell. good times. good times. yeah, you might need to give me a minute here.

where was i?

oh, that radio station.

that's it.

when they play "are you gonna go my way?" by Lenny Kravitz, i am 25 years old again, back at the Rainbow on Sunset Blvd, drunker than humanly possible and dancing my ass off with my friends. you never had to worry about being "falling down drunk" on that dance floor because it was always so crowded, you could not fall down. it was wall to wall people and if you lost your footing, you just swayed a little and the 45 bodies around you kept you propped up. and that was only after 2 drinks. see, the Rainbow is nortorious for making the stongest, nastiest drinks in all of LA. so, of course, we were there 3 nights a week. you order a screwdriver there and the bartender pours vodka, vodka and more vodka into a tall glass. then he adds just a spritz of orange juice.

ah, nostalgia. i'm gonna go dust off my Cure albums now and put on some smudgy, black eyeliner.