Monday, May 22, 2006

There is a Reason They Call it the "Y" Chromosome

ok, so we all know men are from mars and women are from venus. we are different species destined to never understand the other. i am not going to delve into the cliches of men never asking for directions or women asking if these jeans make her look fat. but, there is truth in those cliches. men make about as much sense to women as katie holmes willingly giving birth to the CruiseSpawn.

that being said, we do manage to co-exist on a day to day basis without too many scuffles. but then, you will see something that is so completely testostorone driven that if defies description. that is when photos become necessary.



Example


yup, fake balls hanging from a car. i GUAR-AN-DAMN-TEE you that you will never see a woman driving around with fake ovaries hanging off the back of her mazda miata. they say never say never, well, i am saying never.

i snapped that pic while in the drive thru line at del taco. and since Senor Dipshit (see about 3 posts down) is still running the drive thru at the speed of molasses, i had plenty of time to ponder the fake nads. the conclusion that i came to was that the faux nuts were the latex equivalent of someone that wants so desperately to believe something about themselves, that they repeat it constantly, despite the fact that it is completely untrue. think david brent of the UK version of "The Office" or michael scott in the american version. he is so spectacularly unfunny, yet constantly tells people how he is a master of comedy. the big, fake balls are the same thing. any guy driving around with those has less testicular mass than lance armstrong coming out of a cold shower.

and just having finished watching the season finale of "24" i can say without a shadow of a doubt that Jack Bauer would NEVER drive around with fake balls on his car. and yes, i'm saying never.

Saturday, May 13, 2006

Gauchos Be Gone!!

Dear Lady in Front of Me in Line at Best Buy Today,

as is the norm of saturdays, the line at my local Best Buy was long. so i had to plenty of time to observe and i have a little feedback for you. and obviously you need it as no one has ever told you some of these basic truths. first, let's start with your hair. now, you had a lovely Coach bag and your keychain was hanging off it so i could plainly see your Mercedes Benz car key. this leads me to belive that you are probably not living in the ghetto and clipping coupons for Top Ramen, that being said, how is it that you cannot afford a $4 bottle of hair conditioner? dry, frizzy hair with 2 inch roots is not pretty. take note.

your daughter was there with you and she appeared to be about 7 years old and about 30 pounds overweight. have you not seen the childhood diabetes commericals? i have. they are on tv every 5 minutes. pay attention to them and stop killing your child with twinkies. that's an order.

and why was she dressed like a mini, rotund hooker? Prostitot Chic is so last year. her cropped, skintight tank and ruffled miniskirt offically qualify her as the youngest "fat girl in skinny clothes" that the Unholy Smell has ever seen. but to your credit, at least there were no words across her ass like "JUICY" or "HOT STUFF." because at that point i would have called Child Protective Services on you. i would have done it in a heartbeat.

back to you. the gauchos. dear lord in heaven, the freaking gauchos. have you not seen these on other people? they look good on maybe 2% of the population. you are not in that 2%. not by a long shot. that knit jersey fabric clings to every lump and bump on your ass. why not just shine a klieg light on your butt and wear a t-shirt that says, "i love doritos and have the ass to prove it!" and be done with it? those gauchos weren't doing you any favors, so do yourself a favor and burn the fucking things.

i'm only here to help.

Love,
Jelly

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Law & Order, Ebay and Yahoo

how many episodes of Law & Order can you watch in one day? well, i am pretty sure i watched 30 of them last saturday. granted, i slept 10 hours that day and was out running errands for 4 hours, leaving me only 10 hours of tv watching time, but it felt like 30 episodes.

thank god for USA and the TNT Networks. between the 2 of them , i can watch Law & Order (the original), Law & Order SVU and Law & Order Criminal Intent all damn day. and i have. now, before you think me a total slacker, i have watched said episodes whilst knitting. i think i took up knitting to justify my TV watching time. see, i'm not just watching TV, i being productive! i am CREATING things, and i just happen to be satisfying my TV crime show addiction at the same time. if "Cold Case" ever comes out on DVD i am never leaving the house. but i sure will get a lot of knitting done! and god knows i have enough yarn to last me. but the compulsive yarn buying is a whole nother story.

of all of them, Law & Order SVU is my favorite. Christoher Meloni plays Det. Stabler and he is a dedicated cop who sometimes crosses the line, but he does it because he wants to gets the scumbag perps off the streets. a ragtag hero with a heart of gold. but sometimes, that kind of freaks me out. see, Dick Wolf, the mastermind of the Law & Order franchise is also the mastermind behind the now defunct HBO prison series, "Oz." and Dick Wolf likes to use the same actors in all his series. on "Oz" Mr. Meloni played Keller, a mean motherfucker that would not hestitate to anally rape a newbie in the shower and then bash his head in to keep him from squealing. not exactly hero material. sometimes, when watching him play Det. Stabler, i flash back to his days on "Oz" and scream at the tv, "look out! he's got a shiv!" then i realize he is only reaching for his badge. it can be quite the roller coaster ride for me.

whenver i want to watch an episode, i just hop over to Yahoo! TV Listings and check to see what is playing. well, i used to anyway. until a few weeks ago when Yahoo! added that goddamned Bounty commercial to every TV and news page. as i always have my speakers on, i was getting assaulted by that fucking commercial at least 6 times a day. i have switched over to MSN TV Listings. it's a lot quieter. just to be ornery, i now refuse to buy Bounty ever again. the quicker picker upper can bite my ass. it's me and the Brawny guy all the way from now on. TAKE THAT YOU OVERZEALOUS MARKETING MORONS! besides, i think the Brawny guy has nice forearms.

during the commercial breaks, i hop on the lap top and check my ebay bids. this week i have lost 5, yes, count them, FIVE ebay auctions. and why have i lost them? because i refuse to pay retail price for yarn on ebay, that's why! this is a huge pet peeve of mine. to me, ebay is supposed to be like one big yard sale. if it's new you pay more, and if it's used, it better not smell too funky. these people are not running a store, they are not paying employees, workman's comp insurance and a lease. they are selling the stuff out of their basement! and they don't even have to pay a webmaster because ebay does all the work for them! if i am going to pay retail price, i am going to do it at my LYS (that's "local yarn store" for those of my non-fiber obssessed readers). these jerkwads on ebay just piss me off! get a REAL business and i will pay your REAL prices.

speaking of internet shopping, i got a WONDERFUL new perfume today. i ordered it from Sephora and it's called Clean Ultimate. it's a very clean, crisp, springtime scent. i literally cannot stop sniffing myself. gals, get you some. it's good.

see, i can be happy sometimes. it just takes an $80 bottle of perfume to do it. but if my granny asks, we're telling her it only cost $25. she freaks out about stuff like that. i also have her convinced that kate spade purses only cost $30, on sale. sometimes it is just easier to lie than watch her stroke out.